B90x

Well, most new years resolutions usually involve some sort of "I'm gonna exercise more...time to lose weight!" Now this isn't a post saying that I don't have those things in mind, but I've come to realize that smaller goals such as my month of not eating meat or my previous month of doing at least a 100 sit-ups a day are more effective. Along the same lines, I want to give God more of my time this year. Now I could make a goal and say I'm gonna give God this amount of time reading His word and praying, but to be perfectly honest I think I might become too focused on the amount of time rather than the quality of time and then I life would overwhelm me and I don't actually get to daily spend significant amount of time in the word. I need structure and I want to seek God in a way that I haven't in the past. I want to jump start my walk with Him in a new, fun, challenging exciting way...much like a work-out would be shaped as if I were training to play college sports...or something of the sorts.
I was joking around with one of my co-workers the other night about Christmas presents with a typical Liberty student response of "it's about the manager, don't tell me what you got" after I asked her what she got for Christmas. The conversation had its twists and turns with much laughter mixed in. Then we got on the topic of devotions and she told me that she was thinking about doing the B90x challenge with her small group. To which I replied, "You're doing P90x with a small group? What type of church group is this?" She explained, B90x is a read through the Bible in 90 days. The Old Testament in 60 days and the New Testament in 30. This includes 2 "Grace" days or room to finish if anything happens.
I couldn't get the idea off my mind after talking about it and had to look into. Roughly 16 chapters a day. Now that's some spiritual exercise...and time and concentration. But at the same time, I would be reading through the whole Bible in 90 days. Beginning with the end in mind, I know that's a challenge that is in short enough time but long enough that I could accomplish it. I have shared it with a few friends and leadership team at school and so far there are 4 of us doing it together. I haven't read through the whole Bible in an organized way like this and I am excited to be challenged. Doing it with friends makes the challenge even better cause as a team we can encourage each other along the way. B90x. I'm ready for it!
Happy New Years!

The Hug Poem

(stole this from a friend... had to share it!! so good)


The Hug Poem

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

— Bradley Hathaway

Technology. Thank you.

So I just wanted to give a shout out to technology. Yes, a shout out for cellphones, facebook, skype, twitter etc. I like the fact that even though most of my good ol'friends from school that I am used to hanging out til wee hours of the morning are still available on these modes. It might be unhealthy to be on the phone for hours upon hours, but I like to say it's as if we are just hanging out as we normally do through this technology. Mostly, this comes in the form of skype where we have a face-to-face interaction and even if your best friend is in California, Pennsylvania, or Virginia, it's possible to be in the same room as them. I cherish these moments dearly and the memories we make just hanging out in our own houses miles a part but still somehow in the same room. Even if skype isn't working like last night, I think it's quite entertaining to be on the phone with my friend while she is ichatting someone else and we're all commenting on the same facebook video I left...complicated relationships. haha.
I also am grateful for the friends that I have that would spend that much time with me doing it...just being dumb and crazy mixed in with our serious conversations about God or life. It's one thing I actually look forward to during the break and I am thankful for it! Here's to technology!

Last Day

It's my last day here on the mountain for a month. I am so excited to go home because I don't want to do an academics of school. I can't wait to see my family and friends from home, I love them and miss them so much!
However, I am already getting homesick for Liberty...and I'm here. One my best friends can't return next semester and I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do without her. I know that sounds lame in a sense, cause yes, I will survive. But I feel like I'm gonna have to adjust to the burg without her. The best thing to describe it to is adjusting to life without family. I am no where near ready to say good-bye...the Lord is totally and completely in control and I am confident that she will be a friend for life. Well, now that I have said that I don't want to get to overwhelmed with emotion, because I can feel the tears on the rise again, before completing my next final...or next two for that matter. I'm gonna live in the present and embrace these last few moments I can spend making memories before Christmas break commences.

Thanks Lorraine

My first car, Lorraine Irene Pico, a 1990 Buick La Saber, is quite the car. She has her quirks to say the least such as how to lock the doors, the windows, not having a tape player that worked (solution- i bought speakers and plugged my i-pod in). I got her for a dollar while in high school. As much as I would have loved to have air conditioning and windows that went down (both drivers side windows don't go down, but the other ones do. however, for the passenger side in order to get the window down you have to press the down button on that side and direct it with the drivers side) she overall was amazing. For the summer I had a sweet fan that mainly blew hot air, but it was still nice to have. I also been known to drive with ice packs and lots of water.

This summer I took her into the shop for the first and last time ever when she was deemed un-fixable and un-safe to drive..oops!

We have been meaning to junk her for some cash but my parents have not gotten around to it yet. It's okay though, because honestly even though I can't drive her anywhere I like being able to look outside my window and know that she's out there. I know I use pronouns to describe her, but I feel because she's such an old car Lorraine had such a personality...she's my little Herbie.

I have had a pretty tough semester, full of ups and downs, but I don't think anyone could have warned me for the change sophomore year brings. I have had moments where I really just wanted to give up. Even last night where I said to God--really? My life is devoted to discipling 6 girls. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a social life apart from that...I'm tired, I'm stressed, I have homework, I want to give up. He gently reminded my: you gave me your life and said use it for my glory. I have you where I want you and will give you grace to do anything you need to. Come find rest in me. Psalm 62.

I think if I didn't have Thanksgiving break I don't know if I would have been able to make it to the end of the semester. I was so stressed that I was becoming physically ill, with migraine headaches, stomach problems, sleep deprived etc. I really don't know.


But Thanksgiving break did come and I am grateful for that. I had the opportunity to have some good alone time at home...On Tuesday my family was out and about and I decided to workout inside and then I went for a run outside. It was so freeing and rejuvenating to run under the blue skies in the sunshine in almost 70 degree weather in November! Ahh. I came back to my house and decided to sit on the back of Lorraine and I laid down in the sun.

I don't know how long I was there for, but it was quite sometime. I began to think about my life and count my blessings and just be thankful to the Lord for who He is, for the opportunities I have had, for the amazing people He has put in my life, for everything...I felt the tendency to sulk in self-pity as well though, but I sat up and looked at the trunk of the car where I had put bumper stickers this summer. There are three: one with a someone riding a bike, playing frisbee, and in a hot tub. Each of them read "Life is Good." I couldn't help but smile thinking about how good my life is and how much I enjoy each of those activities and how refreshing they are. I continued to lay in the sun, count my blessings, and remembered- Life is good and I have such a loving God!

Even if Lorraine isn't drivable anymore, I am grateful for the moments I can have with her still. Time of quietness and the ability to be refreshed.

Life is good.

Sweet Carolina

O North Carolina how you are on my mind. I get to sit back and relax under your blue skies for 10 days beginning tomorrow. I think since I've come to college I appreciate you so much more. I may have even embraced my way inner country because those are essentially the only songs about you. But it's okay, because Carolina you're home. I will see you soon.
Now only two more quizzes and a fun time with some friends before I see you...
*sings* going carolina in my mind.....Baby, lets take a drive, top down,Underneath the Carolina sky, We can watch the fireflies, Try to outshine the stars :) :) :)

My Prayer

Satisfy- Tenth Avenue North

Before the sun has touched the sky
Colors bursting from Your eyes
Before the flood of the morning light
Before the earth has felt Your heat
Before I stand up to my feet
Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
I'm begging You, to help me see
You're all I want, You're all I need
Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in
Like the stars in the night I am falling
Into the pull of the earth and it's affection
In me, oh lord, can you create
A pure heart cause I'm afraid
That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Satisfy me Lord, oh oh
Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see
You're all I want, You're all I need
Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're more than all this world can give
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're love is all I need to live
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You're more than all this world can give
You're beautiful, more beautiful
You're love is all I need to live

O Dorm 3 of last year

Well I just came back from an old dorm reunion and it was absolutely amazing to see everyone all together. It's crazy how much it felt like a real family reunion...those were people I lived with for a year and developed life-long friendships with. Now that's not to say that this year is bad at all and I really can't compare it. I absolutely love the girls of Dorm 3 now, it's just different. As awesome as it would be to all be together again it was only for a year which is the really cool thing because now we've all moved away for the most part to different halls and have continued on with our lives developing new friendships and pursuing new things. I'm grateful for the amazing foundation I had my freshman year and how much it solidified my faith being amongst great company all the time. I feel as if I can face any challenge that comes my way because I know that my God is with me. The amazing thing about that is that God shows us that by being a messenger through his people and last year I met and developed friendships with people who have shown that to me and have loved me as the Lord would.
That's what was so awesome about the family we were last year- the community we had in Christ. We had some pretty fun times, late night talks, randomness, constant tiredness and deliriousness from always soaking up and enjoying each other's presence, and laughing way too much. I also met people where we have a bond where we can be there for each other no matter what time of the day--to be hold each other while we cry and face our trials or comfort one another in love. These friendships continue to this day and for that I am grateful.
... sometimes though I wish that with certain people we could just go back in time and start over again or be in a time where things were good. Being around those people tonight it almost felt the same, but I know that it's not. It was cool though if only for a minute did it feel like the good ol' days...But I can't live in the past nor do I want to... people change but and so do friendships.
Changing of friendships isn't necessarily a bad thing though, I guess just in some cases... Some of the girls I knew last year I am so much better friends with this year and I can't imagine life without them...summer changes things for sure!
I'm living for the here and now. Memories are quite awesome and I can't wait to write some more. God is so awesome to allow me the opportunity to live this life and to not only meet some amazing women of God, but have the chance to live with some of the best 70 girls ever :)

Loving Life

So this will be a quick post... but it's been a while since I've last written. I just wanted to say that I have absolutely been loving life. After fall break I came back to school refresed and rejuvenated. I went through a low point and was feeling pressure on all ends. I realized that I couldn't do things on my own and every moment of every day must be centered around the gospel...giving God glory for everything and every moment. Putting Him first and living every moment as if it was my last is a difficult thing to remember sometimes, but He has shown me how involved He is in my life...and for that I'm grateful. The Lord is so good, all the time and I can have His joy regardless of my human emotions I may be experiencing. Lately I've been enjoying the blessing of happiness, realizing that is a true gift from God and anything can happen to change it. But still, I will remain faithful and joyful despite my emotional being because I know who my God is and that He is awesome all the time.

It's a Process

I have to write an English paper. I went to church in the morning, lunch, dorm, C-LAB. I read the poem, read the article. I highlighted and annotated. I checked facebook a few times in between. I got coffee. I am sitting here now writing. Yesterday I had the plan to write this paper so that I could enjoy my Sunday and not stress. I went for a run. I did my biology homework. I took a friend out for her birthday and then watched Eclipse. I returned to my dorm and enjoyed my Saturday night with the random late night activities that accompany dorm life. I am not at a loss for words when I speak of my life. When I contemplate where I am and how I am feeling. In terms of writing a critical dialogue on "Thanatopsis" by William Cullen Bryant I am not at a loss for words. However, trying to merge my thoughts and talk about them on paper with the person who wrote this article I have to speak of, I am not quite sure. It's a process. I want to eat dinner. But I also want to go to Bible Study. I still have to do my Spanish homework which I don't quiero hacer. It's a process.

Contemplating the process of writing this paper, I don't know if I have gotten better at the process of writing or not. I have experience. I know how to do it...yet each time when I sit to do it I don't love the process or the brain power. I enjoy the final product. The understanding of what I have done. The reflecting. The return of a good-grade for hard work and effort. The process generally enjoys a few times I really want to give up, procrastinate, or avoid it. I know I have done it before, but each paper is different. Maybe the skills I had in the past were sharper, better, not as easily distracted due to ignorance of other things.

Writing a paper is analogous to life. It's a process...I don't like what I am necessarily going through and I try to avoid it or work through it little by little. I have coping mechanisms. I have fun times sporadically in between, I reflect, I move on, I try again, I mess-up, I edit, I get up to get coffee, I start over, I fail, I get an A, I work hard even if I don't see why I am working...


....it's a process....

Home

Well, I got what I needed...and being in the midst of it I have a free moment to blog about life. Yes, I am home in Charlotte, NC. I had been debating this trip for the entire week. The plan was to surprise my parents, but they were thinking about going to the beach, but couldn't make up their minds so I just told them I was coming home. It's weird cause I never really wanted to come home last year. Not because I didn't want to see Charlotte etc, but I never actually missed it. I remember the days when Thanksgiving break felt like forever away from my friends on the dorm, Christmas was even worse, spring break an adjustment?, Summer was just plain good ol' conditioning, and now look at me---I want to be home...strange how things are. But on the flip-side the reason I came home was because I needed to be refreshed. I needed to sleep in my own bed, watch some mindless TV, do homework in a different location from the CLAB quiet study zone, drive a car around town, go to Walmart, go to my church, spend some quality time with my family, and of course I can't not mention Yoforia (which I got last night after being back within an hour, and will prob get at least 2 more times). It's crazy to think that two places can feel just as much like home to me and I can go to either one and be content. I am here to be refreshed and to just get away for a day from things I love (ie. dorm life, friends, the Rot (ok no) ) but sometimes ya need to just get away. I've been learning a lot this semester about who I am and what I'm made of. It's a long process and I'm still in the midst of it (as always), but that's alright God's not done with me yet.
Well I'm off, my mom's brewing some coffee and I know there is going to be an AMAZING breakfast awaiting me downstairs!!! ahh. I love being home :)

Vacation

it would be totally awesome to have a vacation right now. from life, school, work, everything....well, these are the thoughts i have at the beginning of the day without any coffee in me. lately it's been taking a few cup of coffees to get through the day....i feel stressed on all ends, yet God is extremely faithful in all things and i praise Him through it all. i know that i've been challenged in ways i couldn't have expected and it's not bad things necessarily, just things that i need to work out and are tend to stress me out, even a week later. this semester has been an interesting one so far but also the absolute time of my life. i am completely content with everything that's going on i just need a little bit of a break. today is one of those days i wish i had a car so i could just drive and drive and drive off campus, away from the norm, relax in a park, go to walmart and buy stuff i need. just simple things. i miss home, but i love it here. gotta love the two worlds.

Just what I needed

I have been loving life here at Liberty so much! Despite the crazy schedule, countless meetings, ministry and classes I want to simply state two things I love at the moment and am very thankful to God for:

1. The pool. Yes, east campus swimming pool. It was really nice weather, not exactly pool weather the first few weeks but summer has arrived again and I have taken this opportunity to go to the pool. I went yest with some girls and today by myself. It was physically refreshing being in the water and swimming, relaxing, and I was able to spend sometime with God, lay out, and read for school. Over all an amazing thing!

2. The futon. I love having a couch in my room! It's incredible and feels so homey just to be able to sit on something else besides my bed and I love having it. It's a very inviting to the room and I am grateful for this gift from God from a dear friend

3. Yes, I know I'd say two--but I love building new friendships and seeing good friends as well. The community at Liberty is indescribable to any where else in the world. And I am grateful for all the laughs I have had the past few days :)

His Strength

Liberty is a busy place. No doubt. God is at work and that is awesome! But sometimes all you need is a good breakdown in the middle of the Rot and some amazing beyond amazing friends to be the support in the times of stress and challenges. Lots of people who read this blog, already know about my crazy day, but for those back at home I'll explain a little. Upon arriving at LU I haven't had barely any free time. As an SLD I had to take on a lot of responsibility because the RA's are on lock down. So I have been the social networker for freshmen activities including moving 40 on the hall along with moving Prayer Leaders and a few others. I've been working out a lot (thankful that Dorm 3 is close to many things and many hands make light work). I spent maybe 5 mins in my room yest from training to hall activities etc and it's been a busy time. A double shot of caffeine from Starbucks was my rock yest to get me through the crazy life that I live (and love living). I went to bed around 1:30 as soon as I could after a leadership meeting and was looking forward to sleeping in til about 8:15 giving me enough time to get to more training by 9. Last year I had an amazing hall and network and support from my hall. I made friends that will last a lifetime, because our bond is stronger than any I've had before in Christ. However, while some of the people are the same, the leadership has changed greatly and it isn't always as comfortable as a groove I have gotten into...plus I have a lot more responsibility now. Some of the people that are my instinct to lean back on aren't here now and that's okay, because they are either still on campus or a short phone call away. God has been teaching me to rely on Him. During training yesterday I wrote "His Strength" on my arm as a reminder that I can't do any of this on my own. It's impossible. But with Him I can. His strength, his sufficiency is enough for me to handle anything.

6 something AM hits and my RA walks in my room and asks my roommate and I "which one of you is going to go to the hospital?" Running off little sleep, I was confused and didn't know what she was talking about. I also forgot that it is the SLD responsibility to go to the hospital. She explained one of the girls fell off her bed while sleeping and cut open her head badly and the ambulance was waiting. I thought through it with my roommate and we decided that I would go to the hospital and she would pick us up when she was ready since I don't have car...plus I know I can handle blood. And yes, there was a lot of blood. All over the room, her hair, shirt, spewing everywhere. Still barely awake I got in the front seat of the ambulance with a driver who told me she was directionally challenged. Always a comfort since I don't know my whereabouts in the burg. But I looked at my arm, and it was fading, but I read "His Strength." The focus left me and was put on Christ. His strength. We arrived to the hospital and she received great care. Her head wound was pretty deep and wide. 11 staples later, she didn't show any signs of concussion or head injury beyond the wound. I received careful instructions on what to watch for etc. It hit me a few times in the hospital--I'm an adult now, I need to be aware and responsible. So weird to grow up. We were picked up, hit up Chickfila for breakfast and back to campus. I proceeded to wash her hair in the sink to ensure the wound was not touched by soap and all the blood was gone. When I finished I was instructed I still needed to attend training. All I wanted to do was go to bed. His Strength. I stopped and got some coffee on the way from a dear friend and went to training. I met up with some friends from my Dorm last year and I was thinking I was okay and trying to keep it together...made it to the Rot and saw one of my friends and literally melted in her arms and couldn't stop crying. Literally in the middle of the Rot. Who feels like a bigger idiot in the middle of 100's beyond 100's students who I know many of them....Proceeded to the bathroom and cried and vented. I was beyond thankful for such a great friend who was there to listen and for the support that was at the table. It could have been anyone at the table I was at and I realized how blessed I am to have that support behind me. Just knowing that it is through His strength and the encouragement behind me of brothers and sisters in Christ. After lunch, I had a great talk and encouraging texts from multiple people.... It's hard for an independent person, but God is teaching me that's what He is for and "that's what friends are for" :).

I am so thankful for today and everything that happened despite an unusual wake up call. Thank you Jesus and thank you friends. I love you so much.

Refreshed!

The past 3 months have been hands down amazing. Summer, where have you gone? Well, I'm not giving up on you yet. Believe me, there are still a handful of days before classes start. However, I head off to Liberty in about a day. Wow. It feels surreal! Upon returning home to Charlotte I was a little out of sorts with adjusting to home life. Everything reminded me of the burg-- mainly, the people, the jokes, the weird habits etc. I had to readjust to living in Charlotte and reconnect with people that have known me for quite some time, but not so much the current me, for lack of better terms. It was a little awkward at first (I know I'm awkward, but not like that haha) because I was coming into a familiar place where I know everyone, but it was almost as if I had forgotten and it had been slightly blurred over by this past year. Maybe it was that, or maybe I had changed a lot as a person. None of these were bad necessarily, being away had changed me to an extent, but I wouldn't say for the worse in anyway, it's just mainly different. The good thing though, I wasn't the only one who had gone off to college and returned to Charlotte.
First off, I go to the best church ever. Seriously. I have been ministered to, challenged, done ministry, met the most amazing people etc. I am beyond blessed to go to Calvary and to have the involvement in the youth group I had (and still do occasionally) and now the College group. My fondest memories from this summer revolved around time spent with people from church. I have been able to rekindle friendships and made new ones and I am forever grateful for that. I'm gonna miss our Saturday night frisbee and stonecrest hang out, Sunday night volleyball, Tuesday night bible study, and every other random night we've had...I love the spontaneity of everything as well. For instance last night we had Bible Study, then went bowling with about 20 people that was not very planned, and then continued to Cookout after...I had the awesome opportunity to hike the Appalachian trail with 12 friends, see wild ponies, experience God's beauty...go to Hillsong. etc. The list could go on and on...


Since it could, I decided to make a top list of summer things(I like that making a statement as writing this inspired the list...haha):
-I walked 10 miles to Freedom Park one day from Chickfila. People don't do this, it was basically just walking on a road to a park.
-I drove a car for a few weeks that did not have windshield wipers. Let's just say I would lean forward a lot to see out if it was raining, and when it got bad, I was stuck at work for 2 hours
-Top movies of the summer: Date Night (shirt it up!), Killers, The Book of Eli possibly kinda sorta Twilight, and Freshman Father ( a hallmark movie)
-I didn't eat meat for a full month. Who does random things like that? Apparently me.
-Got chased by a bee for a half hour while taking orders outside at Chickfila. I was mid-order and had to run away from the customer flailing and try to finish up.
-Lorraine Irene Pico, my 1990 Buick LaSaber, is in a better place now..so they tell me
-The Book of Joshua
-Glozell
-Salsa Dancing
-My tan
-Random and awesome phone calls and skype dates...it's funny how being a part from some people at school, I actually became closer with them as friends :)
-Amazed by the Lord's provisions one word: Corn Hole
-THE BEACH
-and of course, YOFORIA...I'm really upset about going back to school for this reason :( :( :(

So many random thoughts coming through my mind. But that's a little recap of the past 3 months...and now I can say I am refreshed and almost kinda sorta maybe readyish to go back to school.

An Ode to Asthma

I was born with asthma as most of you may know. I used to have a nebulizer (or as I called it--the machine) when I was little that my sister would rush to make the liquid for so I could breathe again. I also had other gadgets that I can't remember the name of--one of them I would inhale and then exhale into it to see how well I could breathe based upon where the arrow went. Let's just say lots of wheezing I was in red...and nothing red is ever a good sign. And of course I have always had an inhaler. I know I am a geek at times, but I try not be the geeky person who freaks out as portrayed in the movies...actually I make fun of that most of the time I have my inhaler on me.

I am generally on and off when it comes to asthma attacks per say. Sometimes they happen all the time and a lot when triggered by the weather. Almost always my breathing is impaired to an extent due to exercise, but I generally try to push through it by either ignoring it by turning the i-pod up or just plain ignoring it. Some days are better than others.
Let's just say today wasn't a good day--well this week hasn't been a good week. I was starting to get dizzy, tightness in my chest/lungs area, and shaky. It has been happening the past few days midday and I don't understand why. I hate having asthma, especially because I have to communicate that something is wrong with me that I cannot control. I was at work today and I began to not breathe well again and I had to hold on to the register to balance in order to take orders due to lack of good oxygen. I wasn't coughing though, so it was a silent attack, those are generally the worse. I had to tell my manager to just to ensure if anything did happen they would know. That's the funny thing, I've never had any problems at Chick-Fil-A. Ever. Today was the exception I guess. My manager offered to let me go home early, but I was stubborn and didn't...but she threatened to call 911 if anything happened. That was a threat enough to make sure I was okay even though I scare myself sometimes when it comes to that. I've never actually passed out which I would say is a comfort, but there is a first time for everything.

Speaking of first times I've only ever been rushed to the hospital once for oxygen and it was exactly a year ago today. Funny how things like that work out. I luckily did not have any problems and was able to make it through my shift...It just makes me laugh sometimes though because I'm really bad at explaining "the whole not-breathing is normal for me" when stuff like that happens and I realize that based upon everyone's reaction when I tell them. I generally am okay with the not breathing thing but sometimes it really scares me...a lot. It's a very personal thing and I don't want to express fear to anyone, especially cause they'll wind up freaking out as well. Even more so, I don't want to be the center of attention when I'm having an asthma attack--which is especially difficult when I cough obnoxiously.
Sometimes, I really hate it but it's something I've learned to live with and for that I am grateful.

Hillsong Live!!

I had the amazing opportunity to go to a Hillsong Live concert on Sunday night with a group of about 15 people from the College group at Calvary--essentially, me and my 15 closest friends. lol. The first big discussion and continuing discussion of the night was which Hillsong was playing at the concert? My first reaction was there is more than one Hillsong? What does this mean? Did I buy a ticket to see the WRONG band? What??!!?! Well, apparently, as of now there are 3 Hillsongs--Hillsong, Hillsong United, and Hillsong Live. I still probably cannot tell you the difference between them except some of the band members--mainly being Joel Houston (sp?) and Brooke Fraser. I don't even know what they look like so in the end it didn't really matter. haha. All I know is the main guy was Reuben Morgan who is the writer of "Mighty to Save" and various other songs like that.
We left the church around 2ish. I drove in the car with my American-Russian friend who has his own rules of driving. Let's just say the impt things--I made it there safely and made it home safely...I looked down many times in the car so I didn't see what was going on in front of me, but overall with holding the handle bar in the car glances of concern with the other passengers, we were okay...at least no wreck, I'm still slightly emotionally scarred. haha.
We arrived 3 hours early to the church. Yes, we waited in 100 degree weather with extreme humidity in SC to get in. My friend and I decided it would be fun to try and sneak into the concert prematurely...Let's just say, I found a very promising open door, bypassing security, but I was a little too nervous of getting kicked out of the concert I went back in line. After 3 long hot sweaty, semi-delirious, hours of dreaming of cold air, the doors opened. I've never been to a concert with Calvary and had a bad seat..this was no exception. We were in rows 3-5.
The concert itself started at 730. It was so amazing. Beyond words. It was not a concert, it was a full out worship service. To see so many hands lifted up in praise not caring about who was around them worshiping our Lord and Savior in unity of spirit, declaring His name with talented God-centered musicians from all over the world---Australia, South Africa, and Sweden---was amazing. I loved the fact the words were on the screen, it helped sing the songs I didn't know. I must say tho, going to Liberty, we are def spoiled...Hillsong was for sure a caliber higher than campus praise, but not by much. I am so blessed to have that experience. And speaking of Liberty students, I know there were many there. I saw at least 2 I recognized, one being the regular Chick-Fil-A customer from Wards rd CFA and Arboretum Charlotte. He was one row away from me!! haha. O the irony.
Overall, the corporate worship was incredible. I am so blessed to have had that opportunity and it was def a night that I will forever remember.

Jam Band!

So tonight I hung out with the Calvary group as we normally do on Saturday night which consists of Frisbee/games and then going to Stonecrest (a shopping center that consists of a bunch of restaurants and stores and where we go is by a fountain) where we normally hang out inside Qdoba (a mexican restaurant) because there are so many people outside. I did the normal thing repeating it as always except this time the band that was outside was too good to pass up. Usually there is a a chill jam band that plays Friday/Saturday nights and I just walk by hearing it but give it no time of day. However, tonight from inside the music sounded so good I had to listen to it. So I told my friends I was heading outside to watch the band and two of the guys joined me. I felt like I was in another world. The music was so amazing. I don't know the exact genre but it was somewhere between jazz and swing. The bassist was probably the best I have ever seen. Everyone band member looked so comfortable while playing this awesome music. All the people gathered around were into it. There were many people dancing--the most memorable being this older white haired gentleman who danced with this younger African American girl. I even danced a little too- to clarify once a friend who was a girl joined us, the guys we're way too into how the music was being played. While watching them jam I literally felt a smile overwhelm my face and thinking about it I can't get it away. I loved it so much!! It's fun mixing up the evening and doing something a little out of the ordinary. O something so awesome about summer nights!!!
ps. just a brief comment about my last post- the reason i wrote that was because i didn't realize how much i missed school/people there bec of how much i love summer and the people/places/things to do here. i guess that's why we have both :)

Dishes

Tonight at work I was washing dishes and I started thinking a lot getting lost in my thoughts. Mostly I was thinking about next year and all that it entails and how summer has flown by. Today marks the day of one month til classes start--but I go back in 3 weeks. Reality check. While contemplating all of that going back to Liberty has started to feel slightly more real, mainly cause it's coming round the corner. Along with that one of my managers whose known me for quite sometime asked me about school right before the dish washing began. He asked if I was looking forrward to going back and I answered like I tell everyone else with something like, "Yeah. I'm ready to start studying again and do something that's working toward a goal. I do love the school I go to but I love home too and have really enjoyed summer." He responded basically called me out and said, "Yeah. But I know you really miss it and really miss your friends. We'll miss you here at work, but that's where you're supposed to be."
My thoughts wandered more and I thought of how a few of my friends from home were complaining on how difficult it was for them to see their friends from school while being home. Thinking we're on the same page I agreed. However, their complaint was a 45 min to an hour and a half car drive at most to see their friends. I held my tongue, but I really wanted to tell them that my range of friends is anywhere from 4-24 hours distance...so don't even go there. I have been learning the benefits of state schools in that respect but I wouldn't trade Liberty for any state school. There's no place like it and washing dishes made me all sentimental and really miss my friends...like a lot tonight and homesick for school. And part of me doesn't even want to go back because I've only gone for a year, I can't imagine what it would be like to actually leave everyone for real when I graduate (don't worry, I'm going back)... Still yet, alongside that, a still voice from the Lord assured me that He has my best interest at heart and is taking care of me...
O the things that washing dishes late at night can do to the mind...but honestly guys, I really miss you all a lot and don't want to think about it because it makes sad. Wow that was sentimental. haha. Love you all :)

The Diary of Pescatarian

Yes the title says it all. I have decided to not eat meat for a month. I have had this idea floating around in my mind for a little while now. Let me explain. My birthday was on July 12th (which was such an awesome day!! I have the best family and friends in the world!!) and I go back to school on August 13th, thus I thought about what I could do for my last full month of summer, something I wouldn't normally do. While sky diving, cliff jumping, and fish walking were all ideas I thought about I some how settled for not eating meat and go "vegetarian" for a month. But because I decided that I would allow fish in my diet, the proper term that I have been informed of is "pescatarian," or according to wikipedia, "pesco-vegetarian." Now you may be wondering why I would do this to myself? And I was wondering the same thing. I think there are many reasons, and it basically all boils down to one thing- discipline. I read a quote recently that stated, "Discipline is not something you do to yourself. Rather it is something you do for yourself." When it's all said in done, I want to be able to be in the habit of saying no because I can. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE meat. I could care less about saving animals, tree hugging, or any other reason people go vegetarian. I just want to see how much discipline I have to make a daily decision to not eat meat. And overall, that shouldn't be a hard thing. The only problem that it really comes down to is I work at Chick-Fil-A between 5 and 6 days a week...and I felt the difference on my first break yesterday after I had an internal argument with myself if I was even gonna follow through with the whole ordeal. I figured if I could say no to Coke Zero (see video on fb for more details) I guess I could say no to meat. And hey, it's only a month.

The past few weeks....

I have had such a great past few weeks and it's hard to believe there is only one more month of summer!! The craziness started with BE BRAVE summer camp, working in between, VBS Faith Safari with the cutest preschoolers (3 year old's to be exact--the awkward age of not quite independent like a 4 yr old and not quite out of the toddler phase), and then a trip to New York which was actually a vacation as it was intended to be!! Generally, NY can be too stressful and going to an alternate reality that it is does not always mean vacation.
Now I'm gearing up for some more work as much as possible, turning a year older on Monday aka playing catch-up to most of my friends in age (and as my mom and I discussed, since I was very young I have had this Peter Pan complex where I don't want to grow up...I am still there, but I can mask it with taking on adult responsibility while still being forrreevver young), and getting ready to deal with the reality that my family is closer to moving away from Charlotte than they ever have been in the past. I still have mixed feelings about the move to be honest. After I finished at Liberty before coming home I felt so established there that I felt as if I didn't go back to Charlotte I would be okay because at least I had a place that I felt comfortable. However, after returning to Charlotte, it of course changed everything and I remembered why I love it so much and why it's home....Well, I guess I'll see what happens next, but I know that God has plan for me and I rest secure in that completely (after reading the book of Joshua it has increased my strength and trust in God's perfect plan for my life). Besides that my summer consists of laughing and having a great time with everyone I am with and wishing I was at a beach..long island spoiled me way too much! haha. o and looking for a car too/contemplating bringing Lorraine to college, and fb stalking the hall roster like a good SLD should do hahaha. O boy too much fun. Love you all!!

Waking Up Early

One thing I absolutely without a doubt love love love to do is SLEEP. Ahh I mean who doesn't? It's so nice to just be curled up in bed and catching some zzz's. At school, sleep was rare. Yes, my own volition to stay up late and talk or catch up on the days work bec of talking, and due to responsibility of classes, I still had to arise in the morning. I loved late nights and still have many at home in the summer. However, an early morning at school consisted of waking up at 8 am for an 850 class or possibly 720 for a 740 PL class during the week. Pathetically, a 10 am shift at CFA on a Saturday was an early shift. O how things have changed!! Now, I understand the value of those early hours with being home! Yesterday I had a 5:30 AM shift. I thought 630 was rough, I thought 6 was rough...but then the limit was officially pushed back to 530 AM. With knowledge of this, I still decided to hang out with friends til 1230 the previous night. I mean, why not? I'm young! The funny thing is, despite the early morning, it def was not as bad as I thought. When people clocked on at 7 I was thinking psshhh that's nothing! I did pretty well throughout the day minus falling asleep in the dressing room while my mom and sis tried clothes on.

I officially now have bragging rights and now desire to change my actions at school to wake up earlier and do things I don't normally do til later such as work out at the gym or do my devotions esp because I won't have an 850 class MWF. The possibilities are endless and I know that I am ambitious. But maybe, just maybe, being on a hall without many of the same people I'll go to bed earlier??? Nah. Probably not. I think mostly, I want to not sleep to maximize my daytime...basically, I want to be superhuman. Hey, a girl can dream, right? (No pun intended)

Bliss

Laying out by the pool on a float in the sun with no worries. Now that's summertime.

Camp!!!!

Tomorrow I will be trekking on a super exciting adventure to camp with Calvary High School at Camp Lurecrest. I went to camp every year in high school and a few in middle school before leaving for Greece. Going into my senior year of high school I met God face to face in Wait Chapel on Thursday night at Wake Forest University during the. During worship I felt a call on my life to be a world-changer for Him and submitted and surrendered my will to His. I didn't make that decision lightly, and I can confidently say that at that very moment and throughout that week my life was redirected and I would not be the person I am today or know most of the people reading this if it was not for that week at camp (mostly for major starters, I would not be at Liberty). I could go on and on about how awesome Student Life with the Seeekasss '08 and all the fun games and inside jokes we had, but I'll save ya the words. Mostly, what I want for this year as a camp "tribe leader" is to be able to be used by God to minister to the girls he has graciously blessed me with the opportunity of serving. I want the students to BE BRAVE in their walk with Him and know Him intimately, not starting and ending with a week of camp with a mountain top high, but with true confession and lifestyle and directional change, surrendering their all to Him to experience life that is truly life. I want for them to build friendships with others and be sharpened by each other.
I am stoked for all the fun stuff that will happen, but even more for what God will do. BE BRAVE SUMMER CAMP 10!!

Enough to Let Me Go

I've been stuck on this song for a month or two by Switchfoot. I love the music and lyric combo, and it's thought provoking. A cool spin (and not my creation) on the song is if you replace the word "love" with "trust" it speaks volumes as well since trust is a huge part of love. I included Jon Foreman;s (the writer and lead of Switchfoot), interpretation of the song at the end if you're interested :)

enough to let me go

Oh

I’m a wandering soul

I’m still walking the line that leads me home

alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

on my own

on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

to let me follow through

to let me fall for you

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

you’re so beautiful, tonight

back from the dead we went through

back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

you look beautiful tonight

but every seed dies before it grows

breathe it in

and let it go

every breath you take is not your to own

it’s not your to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

“Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” -Carl Jung
“Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Many in every generation may not come that far, but none comes further.” -Soren Kierkegaard
This one started with the guitar hook I came up with during sound-check; however, most of the song took shape in a hotel room in Australia. I was thinking about how love (not just lust or codependency that commonly flood the tunes on the airways) actually involves quite a bit of faith. There’s a lot of letting go involved. Two souls in love is an intricate dance of give and take. I can be a fairly solitary person from time to time. Sure, I love being with people, but I also need time alone. I guess I thrive on the poles. So this song is about the dance involved in a relationship the coming together and letting go. The song equates love with breathing- pulling in and releasing. Or a seed, for the seed to grow it has to be dropped and buried.

In our barcode media, love is often portrayed as consumption. As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. “Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair.” But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It’s a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? “I can’t live without you”- “I would die if you ever left me”- These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.

Yoforia

I have discovered the place that will probably take all of my paychecks from summer- YOFORIA! It is delicious frozen yogurt with many flavors from ferreo roche, vanilla bean, cookies n cream, pineapple, green tea, cheese cake etc and that's only the beginning!! It is self serve and you can sample as much as you want to ensure that you have picked the right combo (or sample as much as you want if ya know what I mean...haha). After choosing the flavor(s) you can load up on a variety of toppings. There are two options, known as the healthy options aka fresh deliciously cut fruit, and the sweeter options such as graham cracker, oreos, m&m's, chocolate chips, reeses cups, and many more other flavors (altho, sadly, no sprinkles because it doesn't weigh enough for any profit). The best part about it is that you can have as much or as little as you want because you weigh it at the end and pay by the ounce...only 39 cents and ounce. I've had it so many times this summer and writing about it, makes me want to go in my car and have some more. An added plus is that it's basically guilt free deliciousness---regular ice cream if you have one ounce it's 110 calories easy, if not more, with yoforia it's 25 calories per ounce. I absolutely love it!!! I'm addicted to yoforia....I think I need to get a t-shirt, bumper sticker, and key chain to display my affection...maybe open one up!!! Unfortuately tho, it's only in North Carolina and Georgia. So for my friends from other areas, this means one thing, you'll just have to come visit to try heaven on earth. hehe. :)

How Comfortable Are You?

1 Corinthians 4:9-16

9For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like men condemned to die in the arena.
We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to men.

10We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored!

11To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless.

12We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;

13when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

14I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children.

15Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel.

16Therefore I urge you to imitate me.

Bike Riding

One thing I absolutely LOVE is bike riding. Yes, I have loved it since I was little and when I lived overseas and since we didn't have a car, we used our bikes like them. I rediscovered this love over spring break and have been excited ever since! Over Easter it was not exactly successful ride in the mountains of PA with my asthma and lack of inhaler, but it's still just as fun! I have discovered a greenway that was just completed only 2 miles from my house that is perfect get away from the busy life and just immersion in nature feeling free on a bike! It's 6 miles one-way, so a 12 mile ride. A great work out and so much fun! I am excited to embrace this over the summer with friends and do something I love!

Summa Time!

It has been almost a week since leaving Liberty and I have been quite busy since returning home! I like to keep myself busy because I thrive off of it, but at the same time my entire days are not jammed packed. Just more of the nights or the mornings or vis-versa. I was able to unpack all of my things which was awesome and reorganize and rearrange my room. It was my first time actually living in my room in the new house. I've been home, but not for enough time to really get settled. I put up the Transform3rs wall in my room. It looks pretty awesome to say the least. Part of the reason I put it up was because it's sweet and makes for a good room decoration, but the other half is to ensure that I remember how good God has been this past year. The main lesson God has been teaching me is to not forget. By having it in my room it's a constant reminder for my short term memory loss.
On Saturday I went to Charelston, SC for the day. That was quite a fun trip for sure! I loved being at the beach and enjoying the summer sun. The beach is just the best place on earth to say the least. I arrived back home around 1:30 AM and then proceeded to wake up at 5 AM to go to the NRA prayer breakfast in downtown Charlotte featuring Joy Lippard, the Children of the World, Jonathan Falwell, and Charles Billinglsey. It was a unique morning for sure because it will probably be the only morning I can actually say I had the Liberty church experience and my home church experience in the same day. I guess it was a good way to ease back into life back at home and it was awesome to see Joy! I loved seeing all my friends and familiar faces back at church as well. It's been such a long time and I am looking forward to this summer to reconnect with the College Ministry. That night I hung out with my best friends from high school and we cooked a meal together and caught up on life. I look forward to many more nights with them this summer! I value their friendship so much!! But I have to admit as well, hanging out with close friends at home also makes me miss my Liberty friends :)
On Monday I woke up at 12:51 pm. I guess all of the lack of sleep caught up to me! I loved sleeping in. It gave me an opportunity to rest and also have some weird dreams. I dream a lot more at home. That night I cooked with my family, played basketball with my dad, and then hung out with my best friend at my house, Jo. We had such a good time catching up despite our difficulty understanding each other's sarcasm. It's sad really but makes for a good laugh when we realize that the other person is being sarcastic.
Tonight I went to the Bible Study with the College Ministry in this amazing house (every house in Charlotte is new, gorgeous, has a billion living rooms and finished basements, but this one had all that and a governors driveway..haha) and there were about 20 college students. It was so nice to meet with them all. I know that I am beyond blessed to be at Liberty where I can meet often and fellowship with my friends but it was so cool to be able to do that with my home church. I think being at school I forgot how involved and connected I was in my church and how much I missed being with them. However, college was a much needed change, but it will be nice to have the summer to rekindle friendships. I ended the night salsa dancing. I had some pretty fun dance partners despite my two left feet. Such interesting stories from salsa dancing to say the least!! Tomorrow's agenda will be getting Lorraine (my car) on the road and working at Chick-Fil-A. O summer time, it's been fun so far :)

Packing the Boxes

I wrote this right before I left for college last year and it's pretty cool how it is constantly applying to life. The first part of it will apply to leaving school while the second applies to my returning back at home. Enjoy!



I’m a pro at packing up the boxes, but the good-byes never get easier.

If you allow yourself to get close to someone, it makes it even harder to leave. But in all honesty, if it wasn’t hard to say goodbye then something was missing from the friendship. It’s hard to say goodbye, but what I love about goodbyes, is that it allows an opportunity to experience something apart from that person who has carried you for so long. It doesn’t mean that you are saying goodbye forever or will never connect or see that person ever again, or that they won’t be there for you. It’s a chance to see who you are and how much that person means to you when they aren’t there for every moment. As many goodbyes that I have said in my short 18 years, I don’t regret the sadness and recollection of memories as I say my farewell. It’s the process of packing the boxes and starting over again. It’s inevitable. And with the numerous goodbyes that I have spoken, I would do it over again despite the immense feelings and desire to not leave. Because in that moment I know that in time everything will work out. I know that the friendship that I have with the other person can, and will, pass the distance and the act of saying goodbye. I know that distance, although a major factor, is only an excuse if I make it one. I know that a phone call, email, text, or letter is available to reconnect with the other person. I know that both people will have to make the effort to keep the friendship. But I also know that both people are going to change a great deal while being apart. I won’t stay the same, and neither will you. Both of us will change. That is also inevitable. But the beauty of friendship is that despite the distance, the changing, the birth of new friendships, and making new memories; our friendship will always be because of the memories, the trust, and the ability to be vulnerable with one another.

Experience the Bittersweet

Two weeks into life at Liberty I distinctly remember thinking that everything was going to end like at camp where you have a lot of fun with a bunch of friends and then you go home. Two weeks til school ends and I guess I could say "camp" is ending. However, the person I was when I said those words is a very different person from the one I am today. The difference is as much as it may have had the camp feel, it definitely was not camp...and that's not a bad thing at all!!

This past year has probably been one of the most exciting, fun, whirlwind, full of ups and downs, spiritual growth and desert, and trying year I have had. I have loved every moment, despite the times I may have not exactly liked what was going on at that time. I have met so many different people from all over the country, backgrounds, and experiences. I have lived on a hall with 70 girls who have a variety of personality. I have had the opportunity to be involved in ministry and have learned the ups and downs, hard work, and successes and failures that it entails. I have been so blessed to have amazing roommates who are caring, loving, and considerate. I have gone to many concerts, including the fray, skillet, tobymac, the joys of coffeehouse, and open mic night. I have experienced a Christian education where teachers pray to start class. I acted in a short play as a psychotic girl who yelled and got in a cat fight. I have lived in real snow for the first time and skied on fake snow. I have had the opportunity to live on my own (to an extent...Liberty is a very family oriented environment). I have time to grow up and make decisions for myself. I have had the opportunity to work at another Chick-Fil-A and interact with Lynchburgians and embraced the awkwardness. I have had some of the best nights of my life totally unplanned. I have had jam sessions on guitar. I have listened to amazing speakers in convo. I had the opportunity to speak with Dave Edwards, the pastor who spoke Student Life Camp 08 (Seeeeeekkkkasss!!) and was used by God to continue help transform my life. I have dealt with difficult situations with various people....and have learned so much about myself and others in the process. I listened to a survivor of the Holocaust. I went on some pretty awesome late nights....there are so many things I could list. I could literally spend forever and a day recounting memories and even more so write how much of an impact people have made on me this year.

Overall, this year has been epic. I couldn't have asked for better. I am so stoked for next year, yet saddened that things won't be the same ever again in a few weeks. Yet, I have to constantly remind myself that if I never came to Liberty (or done most of the things in my life for that matter), things would have been the same back at home...Change is bittersweet. Yet, the best part of the word is that it ends with the sweet.... God knows exactly what He is doing and won't leave me or forsake me. I have that promise and I am secure in that. I am forever grateful for such a great first year at college. I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing God, go to an wonderful university, make lifelong friends, and experience everything I have. I will miss this year, but I have multiple memories to remember and thousands more to make. Bring it on summer. I am almost ready for you!

Advice

Communication.
Advice.
Accountability.
Friendships.
Ever notice it's harder to take your own advice? Sometimes I wonder when I give advice to others if I would take it myself. Most people generally do listen and value my opinion...I guess it's harder when I'm in that position because sometimes I know what's right, but would rather not listen to it...even if it's what I tell the other person. This is one reason I absolutely love accountability in friendships. It takes humility to be honest enough with the other person about my struggles and I have to consistently chip away at my pride, but once I allow myself to do that I can sit down and listen to the insight of others. Half the time I know what the other person may say but I can't say it to myself or listen to it. When someone else verbalizes what I know is right it confirms all along that I should do it. Generally speaking, it's the things that are in God's Word that I need to be reminded of....such a cool thing.

To Thine Own Self Be True

William Shakespeare's brilliance in this soliloquy found in Hamelet. I think often of these words and try my best to use wisdom from the life experience he shares.

The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for.
There ... my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
Bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man;
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

Little pieces of heaven

I am working from 11-3 today. I have an 8:50 government class, then convo (from 10-1030 when i'll leave to walk to work). then i have an exam, quiz, and paper due in the next two days. Since it's wed, i have prayer leader class, so i decided to go to the 740 pl class. What makes it all worth it? Besides the wonderful weather this morning, 830-850= the break b/w classes. This is ample time to enjoy a fresh hot waffle and a cup of coffee at the Rot. Pure joy and bliss! :) :) :)

Ready Yourselves

Since I'm a geek...studying analogies speak volumes. Well, I'm pretty sure any student can relate. For instance, if you study really hard, long hours, with others, apply yourself etc preparing for an exam when you get the exam you'll most likely do much better and will be able to attack it from the inside out. Maybe it's a multiple choice exam and you wind up going through 50 questions in less than 10 minutes because your mind can think quickly and you just know the right answer. Or maybe it's an essay test and you take up every single minute to plan carefully and then right as many details possible to answer and earn the most points in an attempt to demonstrate your knowledge to the professor. Either way, most of the work takes place BEFORE the actual test as you ready yourself.
In the same way that's exactly what our prayer life is like. We are promised to face many trials, challenges, opportunities, temptations etc at every and any moment of our lives aka as "exams." Some of them we are aware will happen, while others are unforeseen. Either way we must constantly be in preparation. Every battle is won on our knees before our creator. When we offer prayer and praise to our heavenly Father, surrendering our lives, we experience freedom and joy that will prepare us to knock down whatever will happen. Such as sweet victory...we win in our praise. Just like the battle of Jericho, just like Paul and Barnabas in prison, just like you when you are on your knees. We will win and are guaranteed victory through praise. I've been reminded of this through the Casting Crown song "The Whole World Hears" in these lines:

"Ready yourselves. May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise"

Dreams

At first I thought that I was having crazy dreams (such as seeing New Moon the Musical at the Dollar Theatre, where it's on the tv screen, then live where people come into the crowds) because I was taking cold medicine. Then I thought that maybe it was just coincidence that I had a few crazy vivid dreams the nights following...but it's happened way too much. I'm not quite sure why, but I've had some pretty strange/awesome/crazy/extremely real dreams lately. The funny thing is that most of them have nothing to do with my current life now at Liberty. The past two nights I was traveling to new places. Let me explain.


So the first night I dreamt that I randomly got on a plane to Paris with my sister. We were just walking around casually by the Eiffel tower as if I've seen it many times, yet was still very excited because I wanted to see everything I could because it was my first visit to Paris. Then of course, due to hunger, we went to the McDonald's Wendy's combo that served expensive Italian food...we didn't quite come prepared so we used our VISA, but I woke up too soon to see if we actually had any type of Euro's that worked. However, the food was delicious. Who knew McDonald's was so good overseas! (well actually, that is true...I love love love McDonald's any where but here. It's so FRESH and TASTY!)

Second dream- It was a year after I had graduated high school...so time line was accurate. However, I was doing a book report for high school. Something about drawing a picture that symbolized a novel we read. I chose the "Kite Runner" since i had already read it so the project was simple. I do think Jillian was helping me with a folder for it...but then I was in the classroom and my teacher graded it before I finished drawing ig. I'm not really sure exactly. Then suddenly I'm at a meeting planning for the beach trip that wasn't supposed to happen this year. The meeting was supposed to be saying that it wasn't occurring. However, all these girls that I didn't talk to/wasn't really in my group of friends were at the meeting...but we all planned it as if we knew that, but wanted to get to know each other. Fast forward, we're at the beach. I got a beastly tan and was on a boat. I think CW was our boat driver....even weirder...haha. Then we set up sleeping arrangements to make "families" not "friends" simply intermix groups of friends to get to know each other. We were in Charleston, SC for four days. But I wasn't supposed to be there that weekend because I was at my cousin's wedding. But I think we pushed it a week later.

Basically, I don't know why I just went into detail about my dreams...probably because I don't generally remember anything about them except for maybe once a month. I know dreams mean something and there a way to process things. I enjoy dreaming...mostly because that means I'm actually sleeping. haha. O the joys of Spring Break.

A little bit of everything

Random thought # 1: Bouncy Balls



Yes, the simple pleasure they bring. It's funny how we used to play with them so often when we were younger, but now we simply disregard the fun we could have thinking we're too mature to play with a little kids toy.....NOT. I still, and always will, love playing with these fun little plastic toys, and proof of this is the amount of time I (and others on dorm 3) spent playing with this little treasure. Add a frisbee, and it's gold.


Random though # 2: Chick-Fil-A
I have a feeling I will somehow always be working at CFA one way or the other. I enjoy the job, but am torn because I don't really want to be there half the time I'm there. I'm so thankful for the fact that I have a job and am priveleged to work, but at the same time starting to incorporate this job into my Liberty life is a little more of a challenge, mainly being, I'm pretty physically exhausted after work (which is pretty pathetic because I haven't worked that long). But nevertheless, I am excited to work and love that I can meet a new crowd and observe the Lyncburgians from a different perspective, see cute families, little puppies, smell chicken and fries, see my friends pictures on the training booklets (weird),say my pleasure, and save a few cow's lives, (a very noble cause) :)


Random thought # 3: The Weather
Now I have to admit, I love the snow, but I am EXTREMELY enjoying this nice beautiful weather we've been having. A LOT. Most people don't realize, the beach and summer is my first love, and the reason I've had a snow obsession is because I am not accustomed to it. However, I miss my first love and am happy it's coming back! Paradise.



Random thought # 4: Laughing
I laugh a lot. I have a healthy laughing dose each day. However, yesterday, I laughed literally on the floor crying for about 20 minutes. I was trying to relay a story to a friend, that was very funny, but the more and more I told it, the more and more it became a "you-had-to-be-there" story because I couldn't even verbalize my words due to the tears rolling down my face in an uncontrollable laughter. Calories burned for the day. Check. hahaha




Random thought # 5:
I could get serious, but I really don't want to because I feel like everything that's been on my mind lately is deeper, serious stuff. I kind of wish I could leave that behind and just enjoy. So that's what I'm going to try to do :)

Random thought # 6: I LOVE YOU! AND HAVE AN AWESOME DAY!!

92 years

My great-aunt Julie died Feb 16, 2010 and she would have been 92 in a little less than a month. Now doing that kind of math, she was born in 1918. YEAH!!!! LONGEVITY RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!!!! WOOHOOOO. Gotta love it. When I found out I was sad because I love my aunt, but also happy for her because she was out of her suffering and she lived a good-long life. I only knew her for probably about 6 years or so. Basically once my grandfather died, Julie moved in a few months later to live with her sister, my grandmother. With her death it brought back memories of my grandfather and many pleasant memories that I had with her. I can truly say I only have good memories of Julie, because that is the truth. However, for many relatives they saw a much different side of her pre-Alzheimer, slightly rougher around the edges, and as many of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and mom remark, they were terrified of her as a kid! Ha. Their stories are quite entertaining.
So today was the funeral, and yesterday the wake (or viewing). Julie was buried in the same exact town she was born in, next to her husband and same site as her parents. Saugerties, NY is home to the Koniuk family where Michael and Pauline, my great-grandparents, raised 9 children who went on to have probably over 30+ children. Needless to say I have many relatives! The last time I was in this quaint, picturesque, farm-town,was when I was four years old and I stayed in the farm house for a night. I remember a little bit, but mostly just the fact that I had trouble breathing because of my asthma...surprise? haha. It was so good to go back and embrace my roots. The best part was to see my grandmother whom I really miss. She kept on hugging me and holding my hand. She is quite an amazing women. Mother of 7 children, 17 or 18 grandchildren...such a hard-worker. And for the past 5 years took care of Julie every single day. She said it was harder than taking care of a baby because with a baby you can just take them in a car and go, but with Julie she had to wait sometimes over an hour to get ready and go. She often had panic attacks because of her condition, but my grandma was there for her every step of the way expecting nothing in return. She simply said that Julie would do the same for her. Such love! One of the hardest parts of the funeral was seeing all of her brothers and sisters say good-bye. Out of 9 children, 6 are still living and 5 were at the funeral. She was the eldest, and the matriarch of the family. They were all so caring for each other and although they have parted their separate ways, when they reunited in their childhood home, the bonds they have are evident to anyone and only that of a tight-close knit family raised during the depression. Very much so like the Walton's.
I loved Aunt Julie even though she probably didn't know who I was because of her condition. That also made the many stories I had with her entertaining. But she was completely comfortable around me and felt safe, sot that was all I really needed in our relationship. She is a benefactor for my family and her brothers and sisters and their children and their children. She never had children herself, but was wealthy... however, she didn't keep the money for herself, she always gave it to her family for whatever they needed. She has put countless people through college. Her college fund is the reason that I am where I am today. She was very wise in thinking of the next generation in terms of education. Because of her, so many people can live good lives. I hope that at the end of my life, my legacy will live on as hers does. While I only knew her for a brief period, she has impacted me for life for so many reasons and I love her deeply. It's strange to think she isn't here anymore, and I have to admit that even at the wake I looked for her a few times out to go sit next to her and talk out of instinct. It was hard to say good-bye but it reminded me the fragility of life as well as the abundance of life. We are each given one life to live, and we should live it to the fullest. Not thinking of self, but of others...living with purpose, for the one and only true God. For to me live is Christ, to die is gain. May you rest in peace with your husband dear Aunt Julie. You will always be remembered in my heart. Thank you.

Personal Life Goals

In 10th grade I was very bored in math class, Algebra II/Trig, to be specific. So in response to my apathetic state I decided to write my personal life goals. Some are serious, long-term, some accomplished, some speak to the place I was at in my life. Hope you enjoy my thoughts from when I was 15! (feel free to ask questions on any, bec I know some don't make too much sense...haha). O and at some point, I'll prob update them

PS. the ones that are italicized have accomplished...others have been fulfilled (such as have some fun etc) but not completed for my life.

Personal Life Goals
• Honor God/ Live for him
• Get in shape
• Never use math in life
• Finally learn to surf and be a beach bum for a summer
• Be in a movie
• Visit Australia, New Zealand, California, DC and all the countries/islands in the beach boys song Kokomo
• Get married to the one –pray he has money (sarcasm)
• Have a couple of kids
• Get a job I enjoy
• Go to a superb college
• Have some fun
• Go on many road trips with friends I like
• Buy something ridiculously expensive for no good reason
• Make a difference
• Kill physics or prove it wrong
• Become a referencing machine
• Get my license by my jr. year of high school
• Become fluent in at least 4 languages
• Be able to understand all types of situations
• Go to lots of concerts (and at least one relient k)
• Learn to ballroom dance
• Record a song
• Own a beach house
• Save a life
• Learn to play piano
• Appreciate/ be fully present in every moment of life and take no situations for granted
• Deepen friendships w/ others and let there be real love---willing to lay my life down for a friend
• Visit Volos, Greece with my friends from here
• Be on Oprah
• Live every day as if it were my last
• Meet a president
• Write an autobiography and remember that really cool title that I thought of a couple days ago
• Go in a mosh pit
• Adopt a kid
• Get a really really cute puppy (golden retriever?)
• Never buy a guitar unless its black (yes im racist about my guitars)
• Write a song that makes sense and has a uniquely awesomely amazing rhythm
• Go back to looking glass trail and take pics sing SOS, unwritten, and play ultimate on the trail jst for the heck of it
• Spontaneously go on a road trip (to Hawaii)
• Build a bridge from America to Europe
• Fund the ppl who find a vaccine for AIDS and all the diseases in the world
• Pass IB and learn to spell the “B” in IB
• Memorize  to the 50th decimal place
• Keep an eventful journal (whatever that’s supposed to mean)
• Meet a dust librarian and visit a dust library and then burn my “secret life of dust” book
• Shrink somebody (like a psychologist)

A Directional Challenge

This week has been quite the week. It has not been normal in many senses because of being on another hall, but I have really enjoyed the time away in sense because when I return onto my hall I know I'm back at "home." I've also really enjoyed getting to know other girls on campus and to see how other halls operate, especially on east campus since it was so foreign to me. I have no idea the outcome of anything for my life in the next few weeks or months or years in terms of basically anything, and I kind of like that at the moment. God has been teaching me to trust Him more and more and more and more and more and more and more. To be faithful to Him, to be obedient, to continue strong in the way I'm going. I have been probably emotionally on a roller coaster in this process, have had more deep, but good conversations, and also been able to be very real with those around me (in an attempt to not be real). I've had some good solid alone time, which I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it (don't get me wrong, I LOVE to be around other people, I just need to take time to stop and pray, be still, think, watch Kyle XY, recoperate etc before I continue in my day, esp this week with having to be extra-social at night when have become really tired..weird, I know). I was reading through Luke 16 today and came across a verse that sounds like it is a famous quote, and it is, since Jesus the man said it himself,

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with very much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. "

After reading this and the verses prior and that follows I was reminded that sometimes it's difficult to trust God with the small stuff in life. We trust Him with our eternal destination, taking on our sin etc, but in the little things we sometimes forget how big God is and how much he cares. Jesus is different though, He wants to see how we handle the day-to-day life, if we are good stewards of our time, finances, relationships, school work etc before he gives us a bigger task. I don't know exactly where I am headed in the next few years directionally or anything, but I know that God does and I trust that. However, I need to remind myself that He cares about every detail and guides me second by second, not year by year. When I trust God in the small, He can entrust me with more and the cycle continues.

Socrates said it first.

In an attempt to not sound cliche (yet I will), I wanted to make a profound statement that many people have already made (that's how I know that it is profound), namely Socrates (and most likely Plato...they have a complex relationship) the famous Greek philosopher: The more I learn and know, the more I realize how much I don't know.
This is so true in my life. I think that where I am at now I have so much more insight than what I had a few years, months, days, hours, minutes etc. Every now and then when I read things that I have written in the past, such as a journal or note or anything in particular, the thoughts cross my mind are: what was I thinking? where was I when I wrote this? why did I write this? After the initial five "W's and sometimes H" I think to myself, "man I really didn't know anything," and occasionally, "wow. that was pretty legit sounding. what happened to who I am now...yet at the same time, I see things so differently now...could I even write that or feel that way." I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, but something I would love to do is sit down with the Bethany of yesterdays and see what I was thinking and feeling. As interested as I am in the future Bethany and where I will be and feel, I know that that is coming, so what I really would want to do is in a sense see my history first hand again. Relive it in an attempt to not forget it, learn from my mistakes, and be grateful for where I am now.
I thought a few years ago I really had a good understanding of who I was and a pretty good understanding of people. However, the more I live I realize how much I don't know about people and my relationships with them (whether it be family, friends, teachers, authority figures, mentors etc). I know that while I know quite a bit, some things don't surface for a while and some things are unexplained (kind of like Mafia, but maybe that's a bad analogy). I think I realize how much I am good at communicating and how much I am horrible at it. The more I live each day, especially since being at Liberty and always being surrounded by people, I truly am finding out so much about myself and others. I know people told me I would when I went to college, but I guess I didn't realize how much it is true.
I enjoy every minute of it...but I'll admit, it can be somewhat draining. I have my insecurities, but hey don't we all?
The more I live the more how much I don't know, and the more I become comfortable with that.

You Remain

I have been learning a lot over the past few weeks and feel like I am being challenged in many different aspects. I asked God to break me if need be in order to grow.

As it says in John 15:2, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."


Despite the circumstances in my life whether I control them or not, I have to constantly remind myself that everything including me is constantly changing. I have no control over anything, except for me and my actions. Even that though, I don't really have control if I am living a life of complete surrender to Christ. I strive daily to know nothing else but Christ and Him crucified, to rid me of myself. This process has exemplified recently and I feel like there are things that are weighing more heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of the issues will work themselves out in time, but they are still stressful and need to be worked through....

I have also come to the realization that I fear the unknown. I should only fear God, but I still have to remind myself that fear is natural. Psychologically, we have predisposed fears from past experiences. When something similar occurs in the present, we are triggered and react to the situation in the same way as what happened in the past. The fear of the unknown is something that I struggle with because simply not knowing is difficult to handle because I don't know how to act or react. I am learning to be comfortable with not knowing the outcome of situations and God is teaching me to trust Him. And by trusting Him I need to let go of the past. I need to remember how He has come through for me every single time. Living this life of surrender is being okay with the unknown because I am trusting someone who knows me inside and out, who knows everything and loves me and takes care of me. This life of complete surrender does not exclude trials or struggles, it instead is requires and expects them. As I figure out more of the kind of person I am, I realize how much more I know nothing and am learning so much. I am realizing how much I need to decrease and for Christ to increase. I need to be lost with myself so I can find Him. I am learning to trust Christ and obey Him despite what is happening.


I am having a love/hate relationship with where I am at right now. I love the fact that I am able to grow as a person... I hate that it is hurtful, painful, and sad. But I know that these feelings are temporary and that God is working in my life. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am so thankful for that. Hebrews 12:11 speaks of this, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I am such a work in progress and I am loving that I am seeing my inadequacies so that I can increase my utter dependency. Through it all, even if my problems are seemingly minimal, I know that God will never change. No matter what will change in my life, "when all else fades, you remain." Thank you Lord. Thank you for defending my heart. Thank you for not failing. Thank you.


"Remain" by Starfield

Defender of this heart
You loved me from the start
You never change

Through the highs and lows
As seasons come and go
You never fail

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good

You are God with us
You're victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

When troubles come my way
You guide and You sustain
Lead me, I pray

Forever You will be
The great eternal King
Now and always

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good, you are good

When all else fades
You remain
You remain

Cause' day after day
You never change
Day after day
You are the same
Day after day
You remain