Speak

Tonight I watched the snowfall and blanket the earth from a big window sitting on a comfortable couch at my friend Alex's church in a small town in Ontario, Canada.

Besides Alex, I didn't know the friendly faces that were gathered around as we opened up God's word and began weekly Wednesday night Bible study.

My prayer as we began was for God to reveal His word something fresh--to wreck me with His scripture, convict where I needed conviction, be encouraged by others and also speak up and share whatever He laid on my heart to.

Lately, I've noticed that in group settings I take on several roles. Sometimes I'm the leader explaining a passage of scripture, other times I am the joke maker, often times I am the listener, and sometimes I add to the conversation. However, my tendency is to take everything in and to not speak at all because generally I can say something about anything (I'm an extrovert and a girl who likes to talk).

But on the flip-side my lack of talking can be a direct result of fear of what people would think of me if I opened up, a lack of ability to have something worth while or eloquently said or thought out, and believing the lies that what the Lord has put on my heart isn't from Him or people just wouldn't understand.

In the midst of people that I have come to know and love in Bible studies I am in, I somehow sit there in silence many times. I sit there thinking as other people open up and be real with me how I value them and respect their thoughts and who they are. That in the midst of their mess, they can recognize God's faithfulness and hand in every detail and are real enough to just be them.

I'm not saying that I am not completely me with my group of people, but for some reason I tend to be quieter version of me. When I am stripped to the core and it's just me, God's word and His people examining it, I don't always know what to say or do.

Tonight was different, however. Because tonight I was aware of my tendencies and postures in these settings. So what better way than in a group of complete strangers from another country to at least say something if God laid it on my heart? To push through the awkwardness of my insecurities and just be me? I hoped that God would make it clear to me in every way possible, and that He did.

Because in that church building with a few young women gathered around that were all strangers but my dear friend, a conversation about the exact thing I have been struggling with for the past few months emerged from the scripture. One girl asked an honest question about doubting the Lord. The conversation progressed into what to do in the midst of spiritual warfare and temptation, how to recognize the difference between conviction and condemnation, how to simply ask for prayer from friends when life and God and attacks of worthlessness and confusion come from all ends and it's too overwhelming to bear.

And in the middle of it all, I couldn't help but wonder if these perfect strangers had been listening to my prayers and conversations the past few months as they touched on every aspect of something near to my heart that the Lord has been teaching me and loving me in. The reality is though, we are all connected by the Holy Spirit in his family (which I know, but yet every time He is spot on in anything, I'm still in awe and surprised at the experience).

So tonight, even when it was awkward in the unfamiliarity of the situation (not to mention, this girl right here is from North Carolina and I was sitting in a church watching snow fall and no one was leaving in a hurry to buy bread and milk) I decided to speak. I don't think I said  anything super profound or life changing, but the words that God whispered to say. He asked me to leave my pride and insecurities at the door and to be open, honest and genuine as someone who had walked the road and is continuing to walk it. Obedience can be awkward, confusing and completely uncomfortable but the Lord is so incredibly faithful.

A Gracious Reminder

A simple yet profound prayer request was asked in Bible study last week: Please pray that God can give me the grace to see them the way He does.

Those words stuck with me for the week and will continue to be words I pray and live by.

Later on in the week my friend and I looked back at old pictures and posts from previous blogs of middle school years. As I sat in Starbucks reading the words I wrote as a 12 and 13 year old I couldn't help but laugh at my words and old pictures, remember where I was at and think about how far I've come, grown and matured since then.

I was embarrassed to a degree as I re-read thing and thought "What the heck was I thinking?"

Getting inside your early teen mind is as scary thing, I don't recommend often haha

But then the words of the prayer request from earlier in the week hit me in a beautiful way: that God can give me the grace to see them the way He does.

Wow. God never sits in heaven looking at us judging who we are, our actions out of immaturity or age appropriate behavior. No, He actually created us from our inception to enter earth completely helpless as a baby and grow.

He wasn't judging me in my helplessness, but provided parents who daily and patiently took care of me while simultaneously sustaining them and me in my infant state of being.

He didn't stop caring about me as my independence grew. In His graciousness, He loved me every state and even delighted in me.

And even now, as I write this as a 21 year-old college kid on the brink of graduation He is graciously taking care of me. God loves me when I think I have it all together and when I'm a complete mess wondering "Why is everything falling apart? Why am I hurting so badly? What is going on?"

He is my heavenly Father who is taking care of my every steps. So I echo the prayer:  that God gives me the grace to see myself where I'm at from His perspective and that I can walk alongside those He has placed in my life and graciously see them the way that He does and love them the way that He does.