Dreams

At first I thought that I was having crazy dreams (such as seeing New Moon the Musical at the Dollar Theatre, where it's on the tv screen, then live where people come into the crowds) because I was taking cold medicine. Then I thought that maybe it was just coincidence that I had a few crazy vivid dreams the nights following...but it's happened way too much. I'm not quite sure why, but I've had some pretty strange/awesome/crazy/extremely real dreams lately. The funny thing is that most of them have nothing to do with my current life now at Liberty. The past two nights I was traveling to new places. Let me explain.


So the first night I dreamt that I randomly got on a plane to Paris with my sister. We were just walking around casually by the Eiffel tower as if I've seen it many times, yet was still very excited because I wanted to see everything I could because it was my first visit to Paris. Then of course, due to hunger, we went to the McDonald's Wendy's combo that served expensive Italian food...we didn't quite come prepared so we used our VISA, but I woke up too soon to see if we actually had any type of Euro's that worked. However, the food was delicious. Who knew McDonald's was so good overseas! (well actually, that is true...I love love love McDonald's any where but here. It's so FRESH and TASTY!)

Second dream- It was a year after I had graduated high school...so time line was accurate. However, I was doing a book report for high school. Something about drawing a picture that symbolized a novel we read. I chose the "Kite Runner" since i had already read it so the project was simple. I do think Jillian was helping me with a folder for it...but then I was in the classroom and my teacher graded it before I finished drawing ig. I'm not really sure exactly. Then suddenly I'm at a meeting planning for the beach trip that wasn't supposed to happen this year. The meeting was supposed to be saying that it wasn't occurring. However, all these girls that I didn't talk to/wasn't really in my group of friends were at the meeting...but we all planned it as if we knew that, but wanted to get to know each other. Fast forward, we're at the beach. I got a beastly tan and was on a boat. I think CW was our boat driver....even weirder...haha. Then we set up sleeping arrangements to make "families" not "friends" simply intermix groups of friends to get to know each other. We were in Charleston, SC for four days. But I wasn't supposed to be there that weekend because I was at my cousin's wedding. But I think we pushed it a week later.

Basically, I don't know why I just went into detail about my dreams...probably because I don't generally remember anything about them except for maybe once a month. I know dreams mean something and there a way to process things. I enjoy dreaming...mostly because that means I'm actually sleeping. haha. O the joys of Spring Break.

A little bit of everything

Random thought # 1: Bouncy Balls



Yes, the simple pleasure they bring. It's funny how we used to play with them so often when we were younger, but now we simply disregard the fun we could have thinking we're too mature to play with a little kids toy.....NOT. I still, and always will, love playing with these fun little plastic toys, and proof of this is the amount of time I (and others on dorm 3) spent playing with this little treasure. Add a frisbee, and it's gold.


Random though # 2: Chick-Fil-A
I have a feeling I will somehow always be working at CFA one way or the other. I enjoy the job, but am torn because I don't really want to be there half the time I'm there. I'm so thankful for the fact that I have a job and am priveleged to work, but at the same time starting to incorporate this job into my Liberty life is a little more of a challenge, mainly being, I'm pretty physically exhausted after work (which is pretty pathetic because I haven't worked that long). But nevertheless, I am excited to work and love that I can meet a new crowd and observe the Lyncburgians from a different perspective, see cute families, little puppies, smell chicken and fries, see my friends pictures on the training booklets (weird),say my pleasure, and save a few cow's lives, (a very noble cause) :)


Random thought # 3: The Weather
Now I have to admit, I love the snow, but I am EXTREMELY enjoying this nice beautiful weather we've been having. A LOT. Most people don't realize, the beach and summer is my first love, and the reason I've had a snow obsession is because I am not accustomed to it. However, I miss my first love and am happy it's coming back! Paradise.



Random thought # 4: Laughing
I laugh a lot. I have a healthy laughing dose each day. However, yesterday, I laughed literally on the floor crying for about 20 minutes. I was trying to relay a story to a friend, that was very funny, but the more and more I told it, the more and more it became a "you-had-to-be-there" story because I couldn't even verbalize my words due to the tears rolling down my face in an uncontrollable laughter. Calories burned for the day. Check. hahaha




Random thought # 5:
I could get serious, but I really don't want to because I feel like everything that's been on my mind lately is deeper, serious stuff. I kind of wish I could leave that behind and just enjoy. So that's what I'm going to try to do :)

Random thought # 6: I LOVE YOU! AND HAVE AN AWESOME DAY!!

92 years

My great-aunt Julie died Feb 16, 2010 and she would have been 92 in a little less than a month. Now doing that kind of math, she was born in 1918. YEAH!!!! LONGEVITY RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!!!! WOOHOOOO. Gotta love it. When I found out I was sad because I love my aunt, but also happy for her because she was out of her suffering and she lived a good-long life. I only knew her for probably about 6 years or so. Basically once my grandfather died, Julie moved in a few months later to live with her sister, my grandmother. With her death it brought back memories of my grandfather and many pleasant memories that I had with her. I can truly say I only have good memories of Julie, because that is the truth. However, for many relatives they saw a much different side of her pre-Alzheimer, slightly rougher around the edges, and as many of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and mom remark, they were terrified of her as a kid! Ha. Their stories are quite entertaining.
So today was the funeral, and yesterday the wake (or viewing). Julie was buried in the same exact town she was born in, next to her husband and same site as her parents. Saugerties, NY is home to the Koniuk family where Michael and Pauline, my great-grandparents, raised 9 children who went on to have probably over 30+ children. Needless to say I have many relatives! The last time I was in this quaint, picturesque, farm-town,was when I was four years old and I stayed in the farm house for a night. I remember a little bit, but mostly just the fact that I had trouble breathing because of my asthma...surprise? haha. It was so good to go back and embrace my roots. The best part was to see my grandmother whom I really miss. She kept on hugging me and holding my hand. She is quite an amazing women. Mother of 7 children, 17 or 18 grandchildren...such a hard-worker. And for the past 5 years took care of Julie every single day. She said it was harder than taking care of a baby because with a baby you can just take them in a car and go, but with Julie she had to wait sometimes over an hour to get ready and go. She often had panic attacks because of her condition, but my grandma was there for her every step of the way expecting nothing in return. She simply said that Julie would do the same for her. Such love! One of the hardest parts of the funeral was seeing all of her brothers and sisters say good-bye. Out of 9 children, 6 are still living and 5 were at the funeral. She was the eldest, and the matriarch of the family. They were all so caring for each other and although they have parted their separate ways, when they reunited in their childhood home, the bonds they have are evident to anyone and only that of a tight-close knit family raised during the depression. Very much so like the Walton's.
I loved Aunt Julie even though she probably didn't know who I was because of her condition. That also made the many stories I had with her entertaining. But she was completely comfortable around me and felt safe, sot that was all I really needed in our relationship. She is a benefactor for my family and her brothers and sisters and their children and their children. She never had children herself, but was wealthy... however, she didn't keep the money for herself, she always gave it to her family for whatever they needed. She has put countless people through college. Her college fund is the reason that I am where I am today. She was very wise in thinking of the next generation in terms of education. Because of her, so many people can live good lives. I hope that at the end of my life, my legacy will live on as hers does. While I only knew her for a brief period, she has impacted me for life for so many reasons and I love her deeply. It's strange to think she isn't here anymore, and I have to admit that even at the wake I looked for her a few times out to go sit next to her and talk out of instinct. It was hard to say good-bye but it reminded me the fragility of life as well as the abundance of life. We are each given one life to live, and we should live it to the fullest. Not thinking of self, but of others...living with purpose, for the one and only true God. For to me live is Christ, to die is gain. May you rest in peace with your husband dear Aunt Julie. You will always be remembered in my heart. Thank you.

Personal Life Goals

In 10th grade I was very bored in math class, Algebra II/Trig, to be specific. So in response to my apathetic state I decided to write my personal life goals. Some are serious, long-term, some accomplished, some speak to the place I was at in my life. Hope you enjoy my thoughts from when I was 15! (feel free to ask questions on any, bec I know some don't make too much sense...haha). O and at some point, I'll prob update them

PS. the ones that are italicized have accomplished...others have been fulfilled (such as have some fun etc) but not completed for my life.

Personal Life Goals
• Honor God/ Live for him
• Get in shape
• Never use math in life
• Finally learn to surf and be a beach bum for a summer
• Be in a movie
• Visit Australia, New Zealand, California, DC and all the countries/islands in the beach boys song Kokomo
• Get married to the one –pray he has money (sarcasm)
• Have a couple of kids
• Get a job I enjoy
• Go to a superb college
• Have some fun
• Go on many road trips with friends I like
• Buy something ridiculously expensive for no good reason
• Make a difference
• Kill physics or prove it wrong
• Become a referencing machine
• Get my license by my jr. year of high school
• Become fluent in at least 4 languages
• Be able to understand all types of situations
• Go to lots of concerts (and at least one relient k)
• Learn to ballroom dance
• Record a song
• Own a beach house
• Save a life
• Learn to play piano
• Appreciate/ be fully present in every moment of life and take no situations for granted
• Deepen friendships w/ others and let there be real love---willing to lay my life down for a friend
• Visit Volos, Greece with my friends from here
• Be on Oprah
• Live every day as if it were my last
• Meet a president
• Write an autobiography and remember that really cool title that I thought of a couple days ago
• Go in a mosh pit
• Adopt a kid
• Get a really really cute puppy (golden retriever?)
• Never buy a guitar unless its black (yes im racist about my guitars)
• Write a song that makes sense and has a uniquely awesomely amazing rhythm
• Go back to looking glass trail and take pics sing SOS, unwritten, and play ultimate on the trail jst for the heck of it
• Spontaneously go on a road trip (to Hawaii)
• Build a bridge from America to Europe
• Fund the ppl who find a vaccine for AIDS and all the diseases in the world
• Pass IB and learn to spell the “B” in IB
• Memorize  to the 50th decimal place
• Keep an eventful journal (whatever that’s supposed to mean)
• Meet a dust librarian and visit a dust library and then burn my “secret life of dust” book
• Shrink somebody (like a psychologist)

A Directional Challenge

This week has been quite the week. It has not been normal in many senses because of being on another hall, but I have really enjoyed the time away in sense because when I return onto my hall I know I'm back at "home." I've also really enjoyed getting to know other girls on campus and to see how other halls operate, especially on east campus since it was so foreign to me. I have no idea the outcome of anything for my life in the next few weeks or months or years in terms of basically anything, and I kind of like that at the moment. God has been teaching me to trust Him more and more and more and more and more and more and more. To be faithful to Him, to be obedient, to continue strong in the way I'm going. I have been probably emotionally on a roller coaster in this process, have had more deep, but good conversations, and also been able to be very real with those around me (in an attempt to not be real). I've had some good solid alone time, which I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it (don't get me wrong, I LOVE to be around other people, I just need to take time to stop and pray, be still, think, watch Kyle XY, recoperate etc before I continue in my day, esp this week with having to be extra-social at night when have become really tired..weird, I know). I was reading through Luke 16 today and came across a verse that sounds like it is a famous quote, and it is, since Jesus the man said it himself,

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with very much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. "

After reading this and the verses prior and that follows I was reminded that sometimes it's difficult to trust God with the small stuff in life. We trust Him with our eternal destination, taking on our sin etc, but in the little things we sometimes forget how big God is and how much he cares. Jesus is different though, He wants to see how we handle the day-to-day life, if we are good stewards of our time, finances, relationships, school work etc before he gives us a bigger task. I don't know exactly where I am headed in the next few years directionally or anything, but I know that God does and I trust that. However, I need to remind myself that He cares about every detail and guides me second by second, not year by year. When I trust God in the small, He can entrust me with more and the cycle continues.

Socrates said it first.

In an attempt to not sound cliche (yet I will), I wanted to make a profound statement that many people have already made (that's how I know that it is profound), namely Socrates (and most likely Plato...they have a complex relationship) the famous Greek philosopher: The more I learn and know, the more I realize how much I don't know.
This is so true in my life. I think that where I am at now I have so much more insight than what I had a few years, months, days, hours, minutes etc. Every now and then when I read things that I have written in the past, such as a journal or note or anything in particular, the thoughts cross my mind are: what was I thinking? where was I when I wrote this? why did I write this? After the initial five "W's and sometimes H" I think to myself, "man I really didn't know anything," and occasionally, "wow. that was pretty legit sounding. what happened to who I am now...yet at the same time, I see things so differently now...could I even write that or feel that way." I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, but something I would love to do is sit down with the Bethany of yesterdays and see what I was thinking and feeling. As interested as I am in the future Bethany and where I will be and feel, I know that that is coming, so what I really would want to do is in a sense see my history first hand again. Relive it in an attempt to not forget it, learn from my mistakes, and be grateful for where I am now.
I thought a few years ago I really had a good understanding of who I was and a pretty good understanding of people. However, the more I live I realize how much I don't know about people and my relationships with them (whether it be family, friends, teachers, authority figures, mentors etc). I know that while I know quite a bit, some things don't surface for a while and some things are unexplained (kind of like Mafia, but maybe that's a bad analogy). I think I realize how much I am good at communicating and how much I am horrible at it. The more I live each day, especially since being at Liberty and always being surrounded by people, I truly am finding out so much about myself and others. I know people told me I would when I went to college, but I guess I didn't realize how much it is true.
I enjoy every minute of it...but I'll admit, it can be somewhat draining. I have my insecurities, but hey don't we all?
The more I live the more how much I don't know, and the more I become comfortable with that.

You Remain

I have been learning a lot over the past few weeks and feel like I am being challenged in many different aspects. I asked God to break me if need be in order to grow.

As it says in John 15:2, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."


Despite the circumstances in my life whether I control them or not, I have to constantly remind myself that everything including me is constantly changing. I have no control over anything, except for me and my actions. Even that though, I don't really have control if I am living a life of complete surrender to Christ. I strive daily to know nothing else but Christ and Him crucified, to rid me of myself. This process has exemplified recently and I feel like there are things that are weighing more heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of the issues will work themselves out in time, but they are still stressful and need to be worked through....

I have also come to the realization that I fear the unknown. I should only fear God, but I still have to remind myself that fear is natural. Psychologically, we have predisposed fears from past experiences. When something similar occurs in the present, we are triggered and react to the situation in the same way as what happened in the past. The fear of the unknown is something that I struggle with because simply not knowing is difficult to handle because I don't know how to act or react. I am learning to be comfortable with not knowing the outcome of situations and God is teaching me to trust Him. And by trusting Him I need to let go of the past. I need to remember how He has come through for me every single time. Living this life of surrender is being okay with the unknown because I am trusting someone who knows me inside and out, who knows everything and loves me and takes care of me. This life of complete surrender does not exclude trials or struggles, it instead is requires and expects them. As I figure out more of the kind of person I am, I realize how much more I know nothing and am learning so much. I am realizing how much I need to decrease and for Christ to increase. I need to be lost with myself so I can find Him. I am learning to trust Christ and obey Him despite what is happening.


I am having a love/hate relationship with where I am at right now. I love the fact that I am able to grow as a person... I hate that it is hurtful, painful, and sad. But I know that these feelings are temporary and that God is working in my life. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am so thankful for that. Hebrews 12:11 speaks of this, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I am such a work in progress and I am loving that I am seeing my inadequacies so that I can increase my utter dependency. Through it all, even if my problems are seemingly minimal, I know that God will never change. No matter what will change in my life, "when all else fades, you remain." Thank you Lord. Thank you for defending my heart. Thank you for not failing. Thank you.


"Remain" by Starfield

Defender of this heart
You loved me from the start
You never change

Through the highs and lows
As seasons come and go
You never fail

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good

You are God with us
You're victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

When troubles come my way
You guide and You sustain
Lead me, I pray

Forever You will be
The great eternal King
Now and always

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good, you are good

When all else fades
You remain
You remain

Cause' day after day
You never change
Day after day
You are the same
Day after day
You remain