Speak

Tonight I watched the snowfall and blanket the earth from a big window sitting on a comfortable couch at my friend Alex's church in a small town in Ontario, Canada.

Besides Alex, I didn't know the friendly faces that were gathered around as we opened up God's word and began weekly Wednesday night Bible study.

My prayer as we began was for God to reveal His word something fresh--to wreck me with His scripture, convict where I needed conviction, be encouraged by others and also speak up and share whatever He laid on my heart to.

Lately, I've noticed that in group settings I take on several roles. Sometimes I'm the leader explaining a passage of scripture, other times I am the joke maker, often times I am the listener, and sometimes I add to the conversation. However, my tendency is to take everything in and to not speak at all because generally I can say something about anything (I'm an extrovert and a girl who likes to talk).

But on the flip-side my lack of talking can be a direct result of fear of what people would think of me if I opened up, a lack of ability to have something worth while or eloquently said or thought out, and believing the lies that what the Lord has put on my heart isn't from Him or people just wouldn't understand.

In the midst of people that I have come to know and love in Bible studies I am in, I somehow sit there in silence many times. I sit there thinking as other people open up and be real with me how I value them and respect their thoughts and who they are. That in the midst of their mess, they can recognize God's faithfulness and hand in every detail and are real enough to just be them.

I'm not saying that I am not completely me with my group of people, but for some reason I tend to be quieter version of me. When I am stripped to the core and it's just me, God's word and His people examining it, I don't always know what to say or do.

Tonight was different, however. Because tonight I was aware of my tendencies and postures in these settings. So what better way than in a group of complete strangers from another country to at least say something if God laid it on my heart? To push through the awkwardness of my insecurities and just be me? I hoped that God would make it clear to me in every way possible, and that He did.

Because in that church building with a few young women gathered around that were all strangers but my dear friend, a conversation about the exact thing I have been struggling with for the past few months emerged from the scripture. One girl asked an honest question about doubting the Lord. The conversation progressed into what to do in the midst of spiritual warfare and temptation, how to recognize the difference between conviction and condemnation, how to simply ask for prayer from friends when life and God and attacks of worthlessness and confusion come from all ends and it's too overwhelming to bear.

And in the middle of it all, I couldn't help but wonder if these perfect strangers had been listening to my prayers and conversations the past few months as they touched on every aspect of something near to my heart that the Lord has been teaching me and loving me in. The reality is though, we are all connected by the Holy Spirit in his family (which I know, but yet every time He is spot on in anything, I'm still in awe and surprised at the experience).

So tonight, even when it was awkward in the unfamiliarity of the situation (not to mention, this girl right here is from North Carolina and I was sitting in a church watching snow fall and no one was leaving in a hurry to buy bread and milk) I decided to speak. I don't think I said  anything super profound or life changing, but the words that God whispered to say. He asked me to leave my pride and insecurities at the door and to be open, honest and genuine as someone who had walked the road and is continuing to walk it. Obedience can be awkward, confusing and completely uncomfortable but the Lord is so incredibly faithful.

A Gracious Reminder

A simple yet profound prayer request was asked in Bible study last week: Please pray that God can give me the grace to see them the way He does.

Those words stuck with me for the week and will continue to be words I pray and live by.

Later on in the week my friend and I looked back at old pictures and posts from previous blogs of middle school years. As I sat in Starbucks reading the words I wrote as a 12 and 13 year old I couldn't help but laugh at my words and old pictures, remember where I was at and think about how far I've come, grown and matured since then.

I was embarrassed to a degree as I re-read thing and thought "What the heck was I thinking?"

Getting inside your early teen mind is as scary thing, I don't recommend often haha

But then the words of the prayer request from earlier in the week hit me in a beautiful way: that God can give me the grace to see them the way He does.

Wow. God never sits in heaven looking at us judging who we are, our actions out of immaturity or age appropriate behavior. No, He actually created us from our inception to enter earth completely helpless as a baby and grow.

He wasn't judging me in my helplessness, but provided parents who daily and patiently took care of me while simultaneously sustaining them and me in my infant state of being.

He didn't stop caring about me as my independence grew. In His graciousness, He loved me every state and even delighted in me.

And even now, as I write this as a 21 year-old college kid on the brink of graduation He is graciously taking care of me. God loves me when I think I have it all together and when I'm a complete mess wondering "Why is everything falling apart? Why am I hurting so badly? What is going on?"

He is my heavenly Father who is taking care of my every steps. So I echo the prayer:  that God gives me the grace to see myself where I'm at from His perspective and that I can walk alongside those He has placed in my life and graciously see them the way that He does and love them the way that He does.

Tear down the walls! :)

Today I had the opportunity to grab coffee with Camille and Chloe- two friends that I made essentially day one of freshman year. Chloe was one of my RA's as I rolled up to Dorm 3, an 18 year-old freshman in every aspect of the word. Camille and I would later become best friends in the coming months, despite the rocky beginning we joke about all the time. I also was Camille’s Prayer Leader, which is hilarious to think about from way back when. But God knew what He was doing in orchestrating our friendship.

I became a Prayer Leader almost day one at Liberty--where I was given the responsibility to lead, mentor and minister to five girls. I had no idea what it meant, and boy would I learn.

Two weeks ago I walked with Hannah, my Resident Director and friend, to the Circle because in the campus transformation of Liberty Dorm 3 was in the process of being torn down to build these awesome new dorms.

Despite the fact that Dorm 3 was so old and needed to be replaced, I am very sentimental and nostalgic. I mean, I've lived several places, but a bulldozer straight tearing down a building is an extreme way to say goodbye. 

I arrived at the Circle and despite my knowledge that Dorm 3 was gone, seeing only dirt and a bulldozer in the distance and my old home looking like an advertisement for a disaster relief commercial, I was still traumatized. I walked closer and talked the nice construction worker into letting me get a closer look. While Hannah stays back and takes pictures of me look at the destruction I see something that I will never forget. 

Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday at Liberty the RAs go around and do cleanliness checks while the students are in convo--something I do all the time as an RA now. As a freshman my roommates and I took this opportunity as an invitation to write notes to our RAs--sometimes it would be a witty comment, inside joke, note of encouragement etc. I mean, they were coming in our room already, why not write a note?

So every room check they got a note from us and they’d write a response back. We hung each of the notes they gave us by the mirror and sink along the wall. These notes filled up the wall in our room and something I'd re-read often and look forward to weekly that year.

So in the inevitable destruction of Dorm 3, I had the unique blessing to see this wall and remember where I came from and how special the influence they had on my life. Over coffee today I shared this story with Camille and Chloe and we looked back to that year and reflected on the memories and how much the Lord showed up that year--how much He showed up in teaching us what it meant to love each other, receive love, and live life together despite our imperfections.

How His hand was faithful in bringing me there, preparing me as a senior in high school to be a Prayer Leader on a hall who was planning their leadership team in the early stages. 

I think about the lessons I learned that year and how it set the tone and examples of how I would be an SLD and RA. How I learned how to be a Prayer Leader and the failures and successes I share in showing people the position and what God does. 

Living with people is messy business. But the beauty of it all is that God brings us people to teach us more about who He is in every interaction. My years on Dorm 3 were ones that have shaped me because of the conversations that took place in our humble abode.

Me, Camille, Jillian (my roomie) and Chloe, April 2010

In a cheesy metaphor--seeing the walls torn down and Dorm 3 stripped away, reminded me of how those years taught me to tear down walls and barriers with people and get to the core of relationships so that all is standing is the words from a dear friends who genuinely care to get work past our own insecurities, perceptions, backgrounds and quirks.

At the end of our conversation today we said in 5 years from now, we'll grab coffee again and catch up. We'll revisit the Dorm 3 days and think about the conversation today and how silly we sounded with a few more years of maturity and life experience under our belt, just like we did today looking back. And we'll rejoice in the Lord's faithfulness, sense of humor and lessons he taught us and continues to teach us to this day. 

The 3 of us today :)

Chloe said these words today which I love--"It's not about the glory days. It's about finding glory in each day." And those words ring in my ears. 

What am I supposed to do with my life?

God replies, "What are you doing with your life now?" 

Wednesday night at Campus Church Johnnie Moore asked the question that all of us ask at several points in our lives...sometimes daily. 

I was challenged with scripture and truths that I have learned throughout my time at Liberty and encouraged by the message. The question that was the reply from the Lord, which Johnnie offered stuck out for some reason.

I was challenged to literally examine what was going on at that very moment, who the Lord in His sovereignty had placed in my life at that exact moment, and what my next few minutes, hours and next few days looked like. 

At the start of every year people tend to make New Years Resolutions. I haven't made any this year, while I have in the past. One thing I have noticed though is that I prefer 30-day goals, something long enough to challenge but not too overwhelming that it seems unattainable so failure ensues in a week from discouragement. 

So what have I "resolved" from the lofty question of "What am I supposed to do with my life?" To look back on the Lord's faithfulness, hope and persevere for the future, and to be present. Being present is literally like unwrapping a gift every moment of the day (pun not originally intended). With God knowing me and I seeking Him, He is placing everything at every moment for me to find my next steps and the outcome is way better than anything I could have ever bargained for. 

I've concluded I must always walk in truth of who God is and trust that despite my inability to control everything He does. Once I've accepted that and begin walking in that reality, I should never grow complacent in my identity of who I am as a cop out. I am His child, thus nothing will change about His love for me or His faithfulness so the overflow is how I live and act. I should live each moment with the reality that the power of Jesus and His resurrection is with me. As an extrovert and people person present, Emmanuel, Jesus means so much. Just knowing I'm not alone. 

At Chick-Fil-A about 6 years ago,  16 year old me walked into the break room where the Owner/Operator Art TerKeurst was conversing with us. Art is a man I respect so much for his leadership, wisdom and example. I can't remember all the details of that day, but if I could guess I was probably a bit stressed out about my class load and trying to transition into my Chick-Fil-A working mind as I clocked in. 

Art asked me to do something for him. Okay, boss I'm ready. What can I do for you? "Bethany, I want you to go make people's days, okay?" For some reason those words have stuck with me after all these years. Art didn't tell me "Go take orders as fast as possible and make the most money for Chick-Fil-A. Your work is equivalent to the income." In fact, he told me the exact opposite. What he was asking me to do was to be the child of God I was created to be, walk in the truth of my identity and let the overflow be a blessing to everyone I interact with, including in my job. Art asked me to be present.

So what am I supposed to do with my life? I have a calling, just like you do. To walk in the truth of who I am and look at exactly at who and what is in front of me and act accordingly. That's how Jesus lived--He lived His life knowing who He was and loved, loved, loved. With that being said, we are to use our gifts and talents God has given us to love Him and others in a real and genuine way.

What am I supposed to do with my life? 

Six years ago it meant to share a smile with the guests in the drive-thru, tell a joke, ask strangers how their day was going and genuinely care about their answer, wash tables, answer to my bosses requests, refill drinks, make chicken--be present and make people's days.

And six years later when I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life with graduation in a few month, the same sweet challenge applies—

 "What are you doing with your life now? The next few minutes? Hours? Days?" 

"As for other matters, brothers and sisters, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more.  For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 4:1-2

Horizontal Running

I love the movie "Pitch Perfect." I firmly believe that years from now it will be just as quoted and integrated into everyday life as "Mean Girls" has. Not sure what date we will be celebrating like October 3,but whatever day we choose it will be aca-awesome.

After over-dosing watching the movie 3 times the first week I saw it and a total of 4 times since it came out, I can't get over the wit, humor, music and most of all our dear friend: Fat Amy.

One of the funniest moments in the movie is when Fat Amy is avoiding running around the gym "Yeah. No. Don't put me down for cardio" and is found on a chair laying down. When asked what she is doing she responds on beat "horizontal running."

I can't help but appreciate all of the hilarity that movie brings and the character of Fat Amy. And like Fat Amy, I can relate to horizontal running.

Every break and transition, I kick into high gear and get into running and working out. I enjoy the runners high that it brings and simply just working out. Some semesters at school I've been better than others about making time for the gym, but this semester for a variety of reasons I didn't go as much as I'd like to. But funny thing, as soon as I got home I began to frequent the gym nearly everyday and I love it like I always do.

But in many ways I feel like working out for me is a bit like "horizontal running." (Bear with me for this analogy. I'm not saying I go to the gym and actually do "horizontal running" I'm not Jillian Michaels, but I do a real work out haha. Although I am tempted to try that motion just for the funny looks I'd get) When I go running in every break and transition in my life, it is a great coping mechanism. When I'm in a new place after moving, I like to run around to see the sights. I also like to simply just be in motion and feel like I'm being productive and getting something accomplished. By just like running on a treadmill or horizontal running, you never actually physically go anywhere. But for me I'm making progress.

I'm on the brink of my last semester of college. I've always been a student even though I've worked in between and I'm about to start going full swing into the unknown or as they say "commencement" with the rest of life. In the midst of that, I still have a full semester of being at school that I want to cherish and make the most of where I'm at while preparing in many ways for the future. This awkward middle and in-between makes me feel like I'm running full speed but laying down in the process because I'm not quite getting up yet and moving forward because it's not quite time yet, which is perfectly okay and I'm happy about. Yet, it's still a confusing place to be. Running has never intended to be "horizontal."

In an attempt to process it all, my initial reaction to facing anything is to run and remove myself from it. I never claimed this was the best coping mechanism. It's landed me sometimes in some really awkward situations of walking away from people to avoid conversations and that doesn't work because it looks strange and weird haha. But when I go on a run I can actually process and pray through each step and do something about my situation: get up and move. The other option is to continue being overwhelmed with being stagnant and avoid my situation completely. A run gives a fresh perspective and is a great method. Lately I've been listening to podcast sermons on my runs instead of music. I've had to mentally work through life situations and in that process I must continuously speak truth into my mind so that I don't believe the lies that are easy to latch onto. With that, I am learning to embrace exactly where I'm at and the pace I'm at.

So my conclusion about horizontal running? Well, every time I write those words is I laugh a bit to myself. In regards to my life situation, that's exactly what I'm going to continue to do-- continue to cherish the funny things and face life when step at a time and push forward even if for now I'm horizontal....next thing ya know, I'll be vertical running in the trajectory of what life brings.

Put it in the blog

Here is some Pico trivia. A prize will be awarded to the right answer...and by prize I mean a hearty pat on the back :) 

Where is my favorite spot in D.C to go? 

Trick question. I have a few. It depends upon what the spot means to me. For instance, my all-time favorite memorial in D.C. is WWII. I love the fountain where you shouldn't put your feet in during the summer to cool off, the unity of America with all the states, the history present, and the fact that it's smack in the middle of Abe and the pencil. 

If you were to ask me where my favorite look-out is, by all means it's the Kennedy Center. The sunsets on that building are breathtaking overlooking the Potomac. 

Favorite place to eat? Qdoba across from the FBI around the corner from H&M and more historically known, Fords Theatre. 

However, in the midst of the concrete jungle lies a real wild place- my all-time favorite spot in D.C.--the zoo. There is a category for this one....  And by zoo I mean more specifically the lions. I can't get enough of watching them. Despite the fact that D.C. has any history buffs and government majors ultimate heaven with incredible museums that literally house history that made this country, watching the lions are still my favorite spot. 

I decided this a few years ago. I can't remember when, but I just remember the lions pouncing on each other in a playful way. I read the little placard and found out they are social beings. My love for watching lions being lions has even made me like cats a bit. That's saying something because I could barely pet a cat. I'm a dog person. 

Today I ventured on out to the zoo with my lovely friends Patrice and Sheila. Despite the fact I've been to the zoo several times I can't quite get enough. If you find something good, keep it up. 

Several times throughout our adventure through the different exhibits watching the animals in a facade of their natural habit, we joked about starting a blog to put our thoughts and emotions about life. We coined the phrase "put it in the blog" as a comeback to the conversations and perspective. 

So yes, this a post partly dedicated that notion and partly because it's break and I tend to write a blog post on break. 

In my senior year at Liberty the lovely question in life is "What's next?" That, I don't know. But what I do know is I will be moving back to nova. And by back, I mean moving here for real--not just an extended stay during the summer months. 

I told my mom the other day that moving was a weird transition, especially being in college. I moved to nova, went to college, went back to Charlotte several times. My home has been three homes over the past few years. 

These years are a very unsettling time of life. But not always with a bad connotation. They are adventurous. New. Exciting. Different.

Yet, they are change nonetheless. My first summer here was one of change...then my second summer was change but in a way more exciting way. I experienced D.C. this past summer and remembered the reason I fell in love with it when I was 16 and I overlooked the Capitol during a rooftop dinner and realized that I would one day come back here and live. I don't think I realized it would come so soon, but then again, timing kind of happens. 

All that to say. Graduation is nearing in several months. And with that a new leaf. I am not quite ready to grow up, nor do I think I ever will. (You are reading a post from a girl who just went on a rant about how much I love watching lions at the zoo). But what I do know is that of all places for my family to move, I was blessed by the fact that two friends I met in my first few weeks at Liberty are returning to nova as well to begin life after Liberty. 

...so I'm putting it in the blog :) Today was a refreshing day filled with laughter and a good break in adventurous city watching animals play and being ridiculous. As Thanksgiving nears, and by Thanksgiving, I mean the Harvest celebration. I am thankful for fun days like today where I'm reminded of God's grace and sovereignty in my life in the little and big details. 

Encounters

Have you ever been just confused? Messed up? A thousand thoughts running through your head? Hurt?
Sure. We’ve all been there. One thing that helps me get through that is a friend coming alongside me. Put their arm around me and do a check-up. It usually plays out with the friend showing me and calling my bluff, because as humans we always try to hide where we’re at for fear of vulnerability.

“Bethany, what’s going on? How are you really doing?”

My friends says in a loving way. It’s at that moment, I usually breakdown and these “heart-to-heart” moments exist. To know that someone cares enough to ask that question, means the world.
This scenario played out this weekend. Except I had no friend coming alongside me. It was just me and Jesus.
I could hear him almost as clear as day.

“Bethany, what’s going on? How are you really doing?”

It was then. With the simple response I told Him. He already knew. And instead of getting frustrated with me for not getting it right all the time. He lovingly listened to my where my heart was at.

He is my best friend. How do I forget that?

Sometimes God uses people to be Him. Other times He shows up with just Him and Him alone. Being surrounded by His people I lose site of encountering Him and just Him.
It was a simple yet comforting overwhelming loving response.

“I know, Bethany. Trust me. I’ve got your back. I understand. I know your future. I know your heart. I know you. So just trust me. You know I see it all and love you so so so much and have exactly what’s best for you. I love you, my daughter.”

BAM. JOLT.

I was hugging Jesus’s neck.

Encounter’s with my Father like that.