It's a Process

I have to write an English paper. I went to church in the morning, lunch, dorm, C-LAB. I read the poem, read the article. I highlighted and annotated. I checked facebook a few times in between. I got coffee. I am sitting here now writing. Yesterday I had the plan to write this paper so that I could enjoy my Sunday and not stress. I went for a run. I did my biology homework. I took a friend out for her birthday and then watched Eclipse. I returned to my dorm and enjoyed my Saturday night with the random late night activities that accompany dorm life. I am not at a loss for words when I speak of my life. When I contemplate where I am and how I am feeling. In terms of writing a critical dialogue on "Thanatopsis" by William Cullen Bryant I am not at a loss for words. However, trying to merge my thoughts and talk about them on paper with the person who wrote this article I have to speak of, I am not quite sure. It's a process. I want to eat dinner. But I also want to go to Bible Study. I still have to do my Spanish homework which I don't quiero hacer. It's a process.

Contemplating the process of writing this paper, I don't know if I have gotten better at the process of writing or not. I have experience. I know how to do it...yet each time when I sit to do it I don't love the process or the brain power. I enjoy the final product. The understanding of what I have done. The reflecting. The return of a good-grade for hard work and effort. The process generally enjoys a few times I really want to give up, procrastinate, or avoid it. I know I have done it before, but each paper is different. Maybe the skills I had in the past were sharper, better, not as easily distracted due to ignorance of other things.

Writing a paper is analogous to life. It's a process...I don't like what I am necessarily going through and I try to avoid it or work through it little by little. I have coping mechanisms. I have fun times sporadically in between, I reflect, I move on, I try again, I mess-up, I edit, I get up to get coffee, I start over, I fail, I get an A, I work hard even if I don't see why I am working...


....it's a process....

Home

Well, I got what I needed...and being in the midst of it I have a free moment to blog about life. Yes, I am home in Charlotte, NC. I had been debating this trip for the entire week. The plan was to surprise my parents, but they were thinking about going to the beach, but couldn't make up their minds so I just told them I was coming home. It's weird cause I never really wanted to come home last year. Not because I didn't want to see Charlotte etc, but I never actually missed it. I remember the days when Thanksgiving break felt like forever away from my friends on the dorm, Christmas was even worse, spring break an adjustment?, Summer was just plain good ol' conditioning, and now look at me---I want to be home...strange how things are. But on the flip-side the reason I came home was because I needed to be refreshed. I needed to sleep in my own bed, watch some mindless TV, do homework in a different location from the CLAB quiet study zone, drive a car around town, go to Walmart, go to my church, spend some quality time with my family, and of course I can't not mention Yoforia (which I got last night after being back within an hour, and will prob get at least 2 more times). It's crazy to think that two places can feel just as much like home to me and I can go to either one and be content. I am here to be refreshed and to just get away for a day from things I love (ie. dorm life, friends, the Rot (ok no) ) but sometimes ya need to just get away. I've been learning a lot this semester about who I am and what I'm made of. It's a long process and I'm still in the midst of it (as always), but that's alright God's not done with me yet.
Well I'm off, my mom's brewing some coffee and I know there is going to be an AMAZING breakfast awaiting me downstairs!!! ahh. I love being home :)

Vacation

it would be totally awesome to have a vacation right now. from life, school, work, everything....well, these are the thoughts i have at the beginning of the day without any coffee in me. lately it's been taking a few cup of coffees to get through the day....i feel stressed on all ends, yet God is extremely faithful in all things and i praise Him through it all. i know that i've been challenged in ways i couldn't have expected and it's not bad things necessarily, just things that i need to work out and are tend to stress me out, even a week later. this semester has been an interesting one so far but also the absolute time of my life. i am completely content with everything that's going on i just need a little bit of a break. today is one of those days i wish i had a car so i could just drive and drive and drive off campus, away from the norm, relax in a park, go to walmart and buy stuff i need. just simple things. i miss home, but i love it here. gotta love the two worlds.

Just what I needed

I have been loving life here at Liberty so much! Despite the crazy schedule, countless meetings, ministry and classes I want to simply state two things I love at the moment and am very thankful to God for:

1. The pool. Yes, east campus swimming pool. It was really nice weather, not exactly pool weather the first few weeks but summer has arrived again and I have taken this opportunity to go to the pool. I went yest with some girls and today by myself. It was physically refreshing being in the water and swimming, relaxing, and I was able to spend sometime with God, lay out, and read for school. Over all an amazing thing!

2. The futon. I love having a couch in my room! It's incredible and feels so homey just to be able to sit on something else besides my bed and I love having it. It's a very inviting to the room and I am grateful for this gift from God from a dear friend

3. Yes, I know I'd say two--but I love building new friendships and seeing good friends as well. The community at Liberty is indescribable to any where else in the world. And I am grateful for all the laughs I have had the past few days :)

His Strength

Liberty is a busy place. No doubt. God is at work and that is awesome! But sometimes all you need is a good breakdown in the middle of the Rot and some amazing beyond amazing friends to be the support in the times of stress and challenges. Lots of people who read this blog, already know about my crazy day, but for those back at home I'll explain a little. Upon arriving at LU I haven't had barely any free time. As an SLD I had to take on a lot of responsibility because the RA's are on lock down. So I have been the social networker for freshmen activities including moving 40 on the hall along with moving Prayer Leaders and a few others. I've been working out a lot (thankful that Dorm 3 is close to many things and many hands make light work). I spent maybe 5 mins in my room yest from training to hall activities etc and it's been a busy time. A double shot of caffeine from Starbucks was my rock yest to get me through the crazy life that I live (and love living). I went to bed around 1:30 as soon as I could after a leadership meeting and was looking forward to sleeping in til about 8:15 giving me enough time to get to more training by 9. Last year I had an amazing hall and network and support from my hall. I made friends that will last a lifetime, because our bond is stronger than any I've had before in Christ. However, while some of the people are the same, the leadership has changed greatly and it isn't always as comfortable as a groove I have gotten into...plus I have a lot more responsibility now. Some of the people that are my instinct to lean back on aren't here now and that's okay, because they are either still on campus or a short phone call away. God has been teaching me to rely on Him. During training yesterday I wrote "His Strength" on my arm as a reminder that I can't do any of this on my own. It's impossible. But with Him I can. His strength, his sufficiency is enough for me to handle anything.

6 something AM hits and my RA walks in my room and asks my roommate and I "which one of you is going to go to the hospital?" Running off little sleep, I was confused and didn't know what she was talking about. I also forgot that it is the SLD responsibility to go to the hospital. She explained one of the girls fell off her bed while sleeping and cut open her head badly and the ambulance was waiting. I thought through it with my roommate and we decided that I would go to the hospital and she would pick us up when she was ready since I don't have car...plus I know I can handle blood. And yes, there was a lot of blood. All over the room, her hair, shirt, spewing everywhere. Still barely awake I got in the front seat of the ambulance with a driver who told me she was directionally challenged. Always a comfort since I don't know my whereabouts in the burg. But I looked at my arm, and it was fading, but I read "His Strength." The focus left me and was put on Christ. His strength. We arrived to the hospital and she received great care. Her head wound was pretty deep and wide. 11 staples later, she didn't show any signs of concussion or head injury beyond the wound. I received careful instructions on what to watch for etc. It hit me a few times in the hospital--I'm an adult now, I need to be aware and responsible. So weird to grow up. We were picked up, hit up Chickfila for breakfast and back to campus. I proceeded to wash her hair in the sink to ensure the wound was not touched by soap and all the blood was gone. When I finished I was instructed I still needed to attend training. All I wanted to do was go to bed. His Strength. I stopped and got some coffee on the way from a dear friend and went to training. I met up with some friends from my Dorm last year and I was thinking I was okay and trying to keep it together...made it to the Rot and saw one of my friends and literally melted in her arms and couldn't stop crying. Literally in the middle of the Rot. Who feels like a bigger idiot in the middle of 100's beyond 100's students who I know many of them....Proceeded to the bathroom and cried and vented. I was beyond thankful for such a great friend who was there to listen and for the support that was at the table. It could have been anyone at the table I was at and I realized how blessed I am to have that support behind me. Just knowing that it is through His strength and the encouragement behind me of brothers and sisters in Christ. After lunch, I had a great talk and encouraging texts from multiple people.... It's hard for an independent person, but God is teaching me that's what He is for and "that's what friends are for" :).

I am so thankful for today and everything that happened despite an unusual wake up call. Thank you Jesus and thank you friends. I love you so much.

Refreshed!

The past 3 months have been hands down amazing. Summer, where have you gone? Well, I'm not giving up on you yet. Believe me, there are still a handful of days before classes start. However, I head off to Liberty in about a day. Wow. It feels surreal! Upon returning home to Charlotte I was a little out of sorts with adjusting to home life. Everything reminded me of the burg-- mainly, the people, the jokes, the weird habits etc. I had to readjust to living in Charlotte and reconnect with people that have known me for quite some time, but not so much the current me, for lack of better terms. It was a little awkward at first (I know I'm awkward, but not like that haha) because I was coming into a familiar place where I know everyone, but it was almost as if I had forgotten and it had been slightly blurred over by this past year. Maybe it was that, or maybe I had changed a lot as a person. None of these were bad necessarily, being away had changed me to an extent, but I wouldn't say for the worse in anyway, it's just mainly different. The good thing though, I wasn't the only one who had gone off to college and returned to Charlotte.
First off, I go to the best church ever. Seriously. I have been ministered to, challenged, done ministry, met the most amazing people etc. I am beyond blessed to go to Calvary and to have the involvement in the youth group I had (and still do occasionally) and now the College group. My fondest memories from this summer revolved around time spent with people from church. I have been able to rekindle friendships and made new ones and I am forever grateful for that. I'm gonna miss our Saturday night frisbee and stonecrest hang out, Sunday night volleyball, Tuesday night bible study, and every other random night we've had...I love the spontaneity of everything as well. For instance last night we had Bible Study, then went bowling with about 20 people that was not very planned, and then continued to Cookout after...I had the awesome opportunity to hike the Appalachian trail with 12 friends, see wild ponies, experience God's beauty...go to Hillsong. etc. The list could go on and on...


Since it could, I decided to make a top list of summer things(I like that making a statement as writing this inspired the list...haha):
-I walked 10 miles to Freedom Park one day from Chickfila. People don't do this, it was basically just walking on a road to a park.
-I drove a car for a few weeks that did not have windshield wipers. Let's just say I would lean forward a lot to see out if it was raining, and when it got bad, I was stuck at work for 2 hours
-Top movies of the summer: Date Night (shirt it up!), Killers, The Book of Eli possibly kinda sorta Twilight, and Freshman Father ( a hallmark movie)
-I didn't eat meat for a full month. Who does random things like that? Apparently me.
-Got chased by a bee for a half hour while taking orders outside at Chickfila. I was mid-order and had to run away from the customer flailing and try to finish up.
-Lorraine Irene Pico, my 1990 Buick LaSaber, is in a better place now..so they tell me
-The Book of Joshua
-Glozell
-Salsa Dancing
-My tan
-Random and awesome phone calls and skype dates...it's funny how being a part from some people at school, I actually became closer with them as friends :)
-Amazed by the Lord's provisions one word: Corn Hole
-THE BEACH
-and of course, YOFORIA...I'm really upset about going back to school for this reason :( :( :(

So many random thoughts coming through my mind. But that's a little recap of the past 3 months...and now I can say I am refreshed and almost kinda sorta maybe readyish to go back to school.

An Ode to Asthma

I was born with asthma as most of you may know. I used to have a nebulizer (or as I called it--the machine) when I was little that my sister would rush to make the liquid for so I could breathe again. I also had other gadgets that I can't remember the name of--one of them I would inhale and then exhale into it to see how well I could breathe based upon where the arrow went. Let's just say lots of wheezing I was in red...and nothing red is ever a good sign. And of course I have always had an inhaler. I know I am a geek at times, but I try not be the geeky person who freaks out as portrayed in the movies...actually I make fun of that most of the time I have my inhaler on me.

I am generally on and off when it comes to asthma attacks per say. Sometimes they happen all the time and a lot when triggered by the weather. Almost always my breathing is impaired to an extent due to exercise, but I generally try to push through it by either ignoring it by turning the i-pod up or just plain ignoring it. Some days are better than others.
Let's just say today wasn't a good day--well this week hasn't been a good week. I was starting to get dizzy, tightness in my chest/lungs area, and shaky. It has been happening the past few days midday and I don't understand why. I hate having asthma, especially because I have to communicate that something is wrong with me that I cannot control. I was at work today and I began to not breathe well again and I had to hold on to the register to balance in order to take orders due to lack of good oxygen. I wasn't coughing though, so it was a silent attack, those are generally the worse. I had to tell my manager to just to ensure if anything did happen they would know. That's the funny thing, I've never had any problems at Chick-Fil-A. Ever. Today was the exception I guess. My manager offered to let me go home early, but I was stubborn and didn't...but she threatened to call 911 if anything happened. That was a threat enough to make sure I was okay even though I scare myself sometimes when it comes to that. I've never actually passed out which I would say is a comfort, but there is a first time for everything.

Speaking of first times I've only ever been rushed to the hospital once for oxygen and it was exactly a year ago today. Funny how things like that work out. I luckily did not have any problems and was able to make it through my shift...It just makes me laugh sometimes though because I'm really bad at explaining "the whole not-breathing is normal for me" when stuff like that happens and I realize that based upon everyone's reaction when I tell them. I generally am okay with the not breathing thing but sometimes it really scares me...a lot. It's a very personal thing and I don't want to express fear to anyone, especially cause they'll wind up freaking out as well. Even more so, I don't want to be the center of attention when I'm having an asthma attack--which is especially difficult when I cough obnoxiously.
Sometimes, I really hate it but it's something I've learned to live with and for that I am grateful.