92 years

My great-aunt Julie died Feb 16, 2010 and she would have been 92 in a little less than a month. Now doing that kind of math, she was born in 1918. YEAH!!!! LONGEVITY RUNS IN MY FAMILY!!!!! WOOHOOOO. Gotta love it. When I found out I was sad because I love my aunt, but also happy for her because she was out of her suffering and she lived a good-long life. I only knew her for probably about 6 years or so. Basically once my grandfather died, Julie moved in a few months later to live with her sister, my grandmother. With her death it brought back memories of my grandfather and many pleasant memories that I had with her. I can truly say I only have good memories of Julie, because that is the truth. However, for many relatives they saw a much different side of her pre-Alzheimer, slightly rougher around the edges, and as many of my aunts, uncles, cousins, and mom remark, they were terrified of her as a kid! Ha. Their stories are quite entertaining.
So today was the funeral, and yesterday the wake (or viewing). Julie was buried in the same exact town she was born in, next to her husband and same site as her parents. Saugerties, NY is home to the Koniuk family where Michael and Pauline, my great-grandparents, raised 9 children who went on to have probably over 30+ children. Needless to say I have many relatives! The last time I was in this quaint, picturesque, farm-town,was when I was four years old and I stayed in the farm house for a night. I remember a little bit, but mostly just the fact that I had trouble breathing because of my asthma...surprise? haha. It was so good to go back and embrace my roots. The best part was to see my grandmother whom I really miss. She kept on hugging me and holding my hand. She is quite an amazing women. Mother of 7 children, 17 or 18 grandchildren...such a hard-worker. And for the past 5 years took care of Julie every single day. She said it was harder than taking care of a baby because with a baby you can just take them in a car and go, but with Julie she had to wait sometimes over an hour to get ready and go. She often had panic attacks because of her condition, but my grandma was there for her every step of the way expecting nothing in return. She simply said that Julie would do the same for her. Such love! One of the hardest parts of the funeral was seeing all of her brothers and sisters say good-bye. Out of 9 children, 6 are still living and 5 were at the funeral. She was the eldest, and the matriarch of the family. They were all so caring for each other and although they have parted their separate ways, when they reunited in their childhood home, the bonds they have are evident to anyone and only that of a tight-close knit family raised during the depression. Very much so like the Walton's.
I loved Aunt Julie even though she probably didn't know who I was because of her condition. That also made the many stories I had with her entertaining. But she was completely comfortable around me and felt safe, sot that was all I really needed in our relationship. She is a benefactor for my family and her brothers and sisters and their children and their children. She never had children herself, but was wealthy... however, she didn't keep the money for herself, she always gave it to her family for whatever they needed. She has put countless people through college. Her college fund is the reason that I am where I am today. She was very wise in thinking of the next generation in terms of education. Because of her, so many people can live good lives. I hope that at the end of my life, my legacy will live on as hers does. While I only knew her for a brief period, she has impacted me for life for so many reasons and I love her deeply. It's strange to think she isn't here anymore, and I have to admit that even at the wake I looked for her a few times out to go sit next to her and talk out of instinct. It was hard to say good-bye but it reminded me the fragility of life as well as the abundance of life. We are each given one life to live, and we should live it to the fullest. Not thinking of self, but of others...living with purpose, for the one and only true God. For to me live is Christ, to die is gain. May you rest in peace with your husband dear Aunt Julie. You will always be remembered in my heart. Thank you.

Personal Life Goals

In 10th grade I was very bored in math class, Algebra II/Trig, to be specific. So in response to my apathetic state I decided to write my personal life goals. Some are serious, long-term, some accomplished, some speak to the place I was at in my life. Hope you enjoy my thoughts from when I was 15! (feel free to ask questions on any, bec I know some don't make too much sense...haha). O and at some point, I'll prob update them

PS. the ones that are italicized have accomplished...others have been fulfilled (such as have some fun etc) but not completed for my life.

Personal Life Goals
• Honor God/ Live for him
• Get in shape
• Never use math in life
• Finally learn to surf and be a beach bum for a summer
• Be in a movie
• Visit Australia, New Zealand, California, DC and all the countries/islands in the beach boys song Kokomo
• Get married to the one –pray he has money (sarcasm)
• Have a couple of kids
• Get a job I enjoy
• Go to a superb college
• Have some fun
• Go on many road trips with friends I like
• Buy something ridiculously expensive for no good reason
• Make a difference
• Kill physics or prove it wrong
• Become a referencing machine
• Get my license by my jr. year of high school
• Become fluent in at least 4 languages
• Be able to understand all types of situations
• Go to lots of concerts (and at least one relient k)
• Learn to ballroom dance
• Record a song
• Own a beach house
• Save a life
• Learn to play piano
• Appreciate/ be fully present in every moment of life and take no situations for granted
• Deepen friendships w/ others and let there be real love---willing to lay my life down for a friend
• Visit Volos, Greece with my friends from here
• Be on Oprah
• Live every day as if it were my last
• Meet a president
• Write an autobiography and remember that really cool title that I thought of a couple days ago
• Go in a mosh pit
• Adopt a kid
• Get a really really cute puppy (golden retriever?)
• Never buy a guitar unless its black (yes im racist about my guitars)
• Write a song that makes sense and has a uniquely awesomely amazing rhythm
• Go back to looking glass trail and take pics sing SOS, unwritten, and play ultimate on the trail jst for the heck of it
• Spontaneously go on a road trip (to Hawaii)
• Build a bridge from America to Europe
• Fund the ppl who find a vaccine for AIDS and all the diseases in the world
• Pass IB and learn to spell the “B” in IB
• Memorize  to the 50th decimal place
• Keep an eventful journal (whatever that’s supposed to mean)
• Meet a dust librarian and visit a dust library and then burn my “secret life of dust” book
• Shrink somebody (like a psychologist)

A Directional Challenge

This week has been quite the week. It has not been normal in many senses because of being on another hall, but I have really enjoyed the time away in sense because when I return onto my hall I know I'm back at "home." I've also really enjoyed getting to know other girls on campus and to see how other halls operate, especially on east campus since it was so foreign to me. I have no idea the outcome of anything for my life in the next few weeks or months or years in terms of basically anything, and I kind of like that at the moment. God has been teaching me to trust Him more and more and more and more and more and more and more. To be faithful to Him, to be obedient, to continue strong in the way I'm going. I have been probably emotionally on a roller coaster in this process, have had more deep, but good conversations, and also been able to be very real with those around me (in an attempt to not be real). I've had some good solid alone time, which I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it (don't get me wrong, I LOVE to be around other people, I just need to take time to stop and pray, be still, think, watch Kyle XY, recoperate etc before I continue in my day, esp this week with having to be extra-social at night when have become really tired..weird, I know). I was reading through Luke 16 today and came across a verse that sounds like it is a famous quote, and it is, since Jesus the man said it himself,

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with very much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. "

After reading this and the verses prior and that follows I was reminded that sometimes it's difficult to trust God with the small stuff in life. We trust Him with our eternal destination, taking on our sin etc, but in the little things we sometimes forget how big God is and how much he cares. Jesus is different though, He wants to see how we handle the day-to-day life, if we are good stewards of our time, finances, relationships, school work etc before he gives us a bigger task. I don't know exactly where I am headed in the next few years directionally or anything, but I know that God does and I trust that. However, I need to remind myself that He cares about every detail and guides me second by second, not year by year. When I trust God in the small, He can entrust me with more and the cycle continues.

Socrates said it first.

In an attempt to not sound cliche (yet I will), I wanted to make a profound statement that many people have already made (that's how I know that it is profound), namely Socrates (and most likely Plato...they have a complex relationship) the famous Greek philosopher: The more I learn and know, the more I realize how much I don't know.
This is so true in my life. I think that where I am at now I have so much more insight than what I had a few years, months, days, hours, minutes etc. Every now and then when I read things that I have written in the past, such as a journal or note or anything in particular, the thoughts cross my mind are: what was I thinking? where was I when I wrote this? why did I write this? After the initial five "W's and sometimes H" I think to myself, "man I really didn't know anything," and occasionally, "wow. that was pretty legit sounding. what happened to who I am now...yet at the same time, I see things so differently now...could I even write that or feel that way." I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, but something I would love to do is sit down with the Bethany of yesterdays and see what I was thinking and feeling. As interested as I am in the future Bethany and where I will be and feel, I know that that is coming, so what I really would want to do is in a sense see my history first hand again. Relive it in an attempt to not forget it, learn from my mistakes, and be grateful for where I am now.
I thought a few years ago I really had a good understanding of who I was and a pretty good understanding of people. However, the more I live I realize how much I don't know about people and my relationships with them (whether it be family, friends, teachers, authority figures, mentors etc). I know that while I know quite a bit, some things don't surface for a while and some things are unexplained (kind of like Mafia, but maybe that's a bad analogy). I think I realize how much I am good at communicating and how much I am horrible at it. The more I live each day, especially since being at Liberty and always being surrounded by people, I truly am finding out so much about myself and others. I know people told me I would when I went to college, but I guess I didn't realize how much it is true.
I enjoy every minute of it...but I'll admit, it can be somewhat draining. I have my insecurities, but hey don't we all?
The more I live the more how much I don't know, and the more I become comfortable with that.

You Remain

I have been learning a lot over the past few weeks and feel like I am being challenged in many different aspects. I asked God to break me if need be in order to grow.

As it says in John 15:2, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."


Despite the circumstances in my life whether I control them or not, I have to constantly remind myself that everything including me is constantly changing. I have no control over anything, except for me and my actions. Even that though, I don't really have control if I am living a life of complete surrender to Christ. I strive daily to know nothing else but Christ and Him crucified, to rid me of myself. This process has exemplified recently and I feel like there are things that are weighing more heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of the issues will work themselves out in time, but they are still stressful and need to be worked through....

I have also come to the realization that I fear the unknown. I should only fear God, but I still have to remind myself that fear is natural. Psychologically, we have predisposed fears from past experiences. When something similar occurs in the present, we are triggered and react to the situation in the same way as what happened in the past. The fear of the unknown is something that I struggle with because simply not knowing is difficult to handle because I don't know how to act or react. I am learning to be comfortable with not knowing the outcome of situations and God is teaching me to trust Him. And by trusting Him I need to let go of the past. I need to remember how He has come through for me every single time. Living this life of surrender is being okay with the unknown because I am trusting someone who knows me inside and out, who knows everything and loves me and takes care of me. This life of complete surrender does not exclude trials or struggles, it instead is requires and expects them. As I figure out more of the kind of person I am, I realize how much more I know nothing and am learning so much. I am realizing how much I need to decrease and for Christ to increase. I need to be lost with myself so I can find Him. I am learning to trust Christ and obey Him despite what is happening.


I am having a love/hate relationship with where I am at right now. I love the fact that I am able to grow as a person... I hate that it is hurtful, painful, and sad. But I know that these feelings are temporary and that God is working in my life. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am so thankful for that. Hebrews 12:11 speaks of this, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I am such a work in progress and I am loving that I am seeing my inadequacies so that I can increase my utter dependency. Through it all, even if my problems are seemingly minimal, I know that God will never change. No matter what will change in my life, "when all else fades, you remain." Thank you Lord. Thank you for defending my heart. Thank you for not failing. Thank you.


"Remain" by Starfield

Defender of this heart
You loved me from the start
You never change

Through the highs and lows
As seasons come and go
You never fail

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good

You are God with us
You're victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

When troubles come my way
You guide and You sustain
Lead me, I pray

Forever You will be
The great eternal King
Now and always

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good, you are good

When all else fades
You remain
You remain

Cause' day after day
You never change
Day after day
You are the same
Day after day
You remain

thank you

today was the day i realized ive been apprehending for such a long time, but God was so faithful. short post, but i'm amazed by His incredible faithfulness in my life....Jesus the most beautiful name that I know, you're the exalted one.

Hello Liberty. I've missed your face.

First week of classes are off to a good start. I absolutely love my Spanish teacher! He is so funny, everything he says is just hilarious. For instance, we were on blackboard and he asked if we had turned in an assignment and we weren't sure what he meant so I asked if he meant "submit" the assignment. He said "ooo yes that's right. Sorry the word submit is not in my vocabulary because my wife doesn't understand it." hahahahah.
Anywho. I am back in the Burg since Friday evening and it feels like forever already, which isn't necessarily a bad thing because I am so blessed to live on such an awesome hall and have such amazing friends. I've adjusted well but I had so much on my mind coming I felt emotionally burned out when I returned. At this point though I feel like I've been coming around and am most definitely more like myself. Thank you friends for being there for me and helping me out when I needed to talk, you are seriously the best. Now all I can and should do is make my priorities straight and the rest will fall into place. As Danielle Kearney once said quoting someone else who said it, "God is seldom early but never late." I know that God will make a way and His will is perfect. Sometimes it's really difficult when you are in the waiting period but He wants to see what you're made of and if you can truly trust Him. I am still in the waiting period for lots of things in my life, but I know His plan is perfect and I have to trust that and rest in that peace.