I just graduated college and I have everything figured out. - Said No One Ever

I’m fairly certain in the 30 seconds I heard my name called and I walked across the stage receiving my diploma I didn’t enter a huge vortex that brought me from adolescences to adulthood where I am suddenly focused on my 401 K and saving for my future children to go to college.

Or did I?

I mean it’s been a month since I’ve had that life altering vortex moment where my nights no longer consist of living on a dorm with all my friends and writing papers in between coffee dates and late night talks. I naturally should have it all figured out.

“This is Bethany and she just graduated,” a friend of mine said introducing me to her old boss.

“Congratulations Bethany! So…job?” he asked to politely creating a small conversation. 

But the way he said it I was glad I could answer yes because I’m fairly certain if I mentioned that I didn’t have the next step figured out I’d be clumped into the category of college graduates who aspire to start a “it’s not a job, it’s a career” at McDonald’s as the signs advertise so well.

Despite this gentleman’s question I don’t really think the man really thought I needed to have it figured out. It simply was a stab at small talk. But my oh so sensitive self in this season felt the need to seem like I have it all together and be able to ramble off where I’m purchasing my future retirement home and which charities I will spend my days volunteering in an effort to give back to the community.

The best thing is I know I’m not alone in the sentiments I’ve expressed. Several of my friends who jumped in the magical vortex are in the same place…kind of. We are all in the same place of figuring out what exactly we are supposed to make of the next few years of our lives but we aren’t all in the same step. I’ve got a job lined up even though I haven’t started. Several of my friends are getting married but don’t have a job quite yet. Others are working ridiculously hard at internships foregoing the summer of sitting at a pool reading a book hoping to be offered the dream job of a lifetime. Others are studying for their certification to be a nurse because four years of sleepless nights and 12-hour ER shifts don’t translate to a qualified nurse just quite yet.

And I’m sitting on my couch wanting to be a deck hand on a boat. I mean…what?

Confessions of Bethany Pico.  Here’s to vulnerability folks! I love boats. I love water. I love everything about the summer and the sea and it just seems magical to work on a boat so I can be paid to go out on the water and have an important task. It seems adventurous and a random fun fact I can spew to my adorable grandchildren. 

My parents aren’t so fond of the idea and when I tell them I look up jobs online,  amused isn't their first reaction. It’s okay, Mom, I won’t throw my life away on a boat (but isn’t that super biblical and what Jesus would do? We are supposed to be fishers of men! I’m like a disciple!)

Maybe just maybe this deck hand represents more of the place of life I’m in rather than my desire (well, I think they’re both incredibly valid).

I’m living in a constant state of transition out at sea not knowing which dock my boat will be tied on. What home will look like or if it's more of a feeling than a location. I’m sort of like a freshman stepping onto a college dorm for the first time thinking that since I put my comforter on the bed I should have it all figured out and no one will think I’m a freshman. The reality is I get lost taking a new path to the dining hall for a month straight. But sooner than later I find my way to the dining hall and I discover there are multiple ways to get there. Along the way I meet some weary and confused travelers who want to feel like they have it all together when they are secretly looking at a campus map tucked away on their phone.

Trade in a campus map to insurance, car payments, apartment and boyfriend searching (I mean, let's be honest haha) and you’ve got this college graduate on your hands.

 Luckily I’m not alone, which is one of the best parts. The friends who I found trying  to navigate to the dining hall are in this next season of questions and uncertainties. We all want something even though we aren’t quite sure what we are looking for. I think the biggest trap and lie we fall into is thinking in the sea of opportunity as soon as we get the job or the spouse we might get stuck and then we will wake up in 10 years wondering what went wrong in our decisions after graduating. 

We want so desperately to belong, have a home, feel settled yet at the same time we don't want to get too comfortable and waste our lives. We have the chance to really make the most of our lives, so we better not screw it up and we sure as heck best be able to have something to say of our 20s –whether that be an awesome promotion, lots of traveling, finding our spouse and holding our kids for the first time. 

While all those dreams are good and probable, we don’t ever arrive at what we are supposed to be even when we turn 30! I think we know this but in the transition it’s difficult to recall. Instead of a boat hand, a lot of the time I feel more like I’m lost at sea just wanting the next adventure yet fearful of the wave that might hit in the storm. I’m on the brink of turning 22 in the next month and the past few years have already been filled of incredible memories, deep heartaches, earnest prayers, and laughing so hard that it turns to tears.

In this season of becoming I must not forget that it takes time to figure things out. It’s a day by day process, moment by moment prayer. We all have fears of the future and don’t want to waste our life by making the wrong choice. It’s in those moments we need to find commodore amongst our fellow friends in the same season, look to our elders who have conquered the future listening to their triumphs and failures, and remember to not compare our path to the next person’s.

As we rejoice in our victories and grieve the losses, both our own and dear friends, we must not forget that the beauty of this season of becoming and uncertainty is we can rest in the reality that our heavenly Father is directing and ordaining each of our steps---both the fun ones, weary ones, heartbreaking and laughter-filled treasures. 

He knows exactly which circumstance will shape us to be prepared for what we will face.

So to my fellow graduates---just embrace each moment you’re presented with, we’ve got the rest of our lives to figure out we will never have it figured out.