You Remain

I have been learning a lot over the past few weeks and feel like I am being challenged in many different aspects. I asked God to break me if need be in order to grow.

As it says in John 15:2, "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."


Despite the circumstances in my life whether I control them or not, I have to constantly remind myself that everything including me is constantly changing. I have no control over anything, except for me and my actions. Even that though, I don't really have control if I am living a life of complete surrender to Christ. I strive daily to know nothing else but Christ and Him crucified, to rid me of myself. This process has exemplified recently and I feel like there are things that are weighing more heavily on my heart and mind. A lot of the issues will work themselves out in time, but they are still stressful and need to be worked through....

I have also come to the realization that I fear the unknown. I should only fear God, but I still have to remind myself that fear is natural. Psychologically, we have predisposed fears from past experiences. When something similar occurs in the present, we are triggered and react to the situation in the same way as what happened in the past. The fear of the unknown is something that I struggle with because simply not knowing is difficult to handle because I don't know how to act or react. I am learning to be comfortable with not knowing the outcome of situations and God is teaching me to trust Him. And by trusting Him I need to let go of the past. I need to remember how He has come through for me every single time. Living this life of surrender is being okay with the unknown because I am trusting someone who knows me inside and out, who knows everything and loves me and takes care of me. This life of complete surrender does not exclude trials or struggles, it instead is requires and expects them. As I figure out more of the kind of person I am, I realize how much more I know nothing and am learning so much. I am realizing how much I need to decrease and for Christ to increase. I need to be lost with myself so I can find Him. I am learning to trust Christ and obey Him despite what is happening.


I am having a love/hate relationship with where I am at right now. I love the fact that I am able to grow as a person... I hate that it is hurtful, painful, and sad. But I know that these feelings are temporary and that God is working in my life. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am so thankful for that. Hebrews 12:11 speaks of this, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

I am such a work in progress and I am loving that I am seeing my inadequacies so that I can increase my utter dependency. Through it all, even if my problems are seemingly minimal, I know that God will never change. No matter what will change in my life, "when all else fades, you remain." Thank you Lord. Thank you for defending my heart. Thank you for not failing. Thank you.


"Remain" by Starfield

Defender of this heart
You loved me from the start
You never change

Through the highs and lows
As seasons come and go
You never fail

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good

You are God with us
You're victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

When troubles come my way
You guide and You sustain
Lead me, I pray

Forever You will be
The great eternal King
Now and always

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good, you are good

When all else fades
You remain
You remain

Cause' day after day
You never change
Day after day
You are the same
Day after day
You remain

thank you

today was the day i realized ive been apprehending for such a long time, but God was so faithful. short post, but i'm amazed by His incredible faithfulness in my life....Jesus the most beautiful name that I know, you're the exalted one.

Hello Liberty. I've missed your face.

First week of classes are off to a good start. I absolutely love my Spanish teacher! He is so funny, everything he says is just hilarious. For instance, we were on blackboard and he asked if we had turned in an assignment and we weren't sure what he meant so I asked if he meant "submit" the assignment. He said "ooo yes that's right. Sorry the word submit is not in my vocabulary because my wife doesn't understand it." hahahahah.
Anywho. I am back in the Burg since Friday evening and it feels like forever already, which isn't necessarily a bad thing because I am so blessed to live on such an awesome hall and have such amazing friends. I've adjusted well but I had so much on my mind coming I felt emotionally burned out when I returned. At this point though I feel like I've been coming around and am most definitely more like myself. Thank you friends for being there for me and helping me out when I needed to talk, you are seriously the best. Now all I can and should do is make my priorities straight and the rest will fall into place. As Danielle Kearney once said quoting someone else who said it, "God is seldom early but never late." I know that God will make a way and His will is perfect. Sometimes it's really difficult when you are in the waiting period but He wants to see what you're made of and if you can truly trust Him. I am still in the waiting period for lots of things in my life, but I know His plan is perfect and I have to trust that and rest in that peace.

7:47 AM

Yes, it's 7:47 AM as I write this entry. A lot has been going through my mind lately and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I had a great break over all and am so incredibly blessed to have such an awesome family and many friends. However, over the break through a variety of conversations, reflections, and events I realized there are a lot of things I need to work on as a person. Some of these things I've known for a long time, while other issues may have always existed, the problem or issue has never actually surfaced until now. I realized yesterday after talking with a close mentor that I have a confrontation issue. I thought that I was good at confronting situations, and I can be if need be, but I don't stand up for myself enough. Now if you are reading this, and I don't really think many people are (if any), I understand that I am loud and will say things to people and generally not care. I will fight for others like no other and am not scared to address an issue. I guess what I've realized is I struggle finding the right time to bring something up, I hope that the situation will just naturally get better, and I don't like to be at odds with family or friends so I don't say how I'm actually feeling....or many times I try to express myself instead of approaching the person, I'll vent to someone else. Superficially it gives me the satisfaction to talk it out. Partly I talk it out to see if it's an issue at all, while other times, if I talk something out I feel like its dealt with, when in reality it isn't. I guess I don't mind being treated a certain way as long as no one else is being treated that way. I don't generally like conflict, but I feel like there always is conflict. I've come to realize I am not in control of any situation, and the only person I am in control of is me. I cannot please everyone or many people or a lot of people. I have many friends, whom I all love dearly, but it's difficult to always be there for everyone all the time... I try to make it work, but it is usually at the expense of another relationship that means the world to me...such as with a family member or a very close friend whom I know will in the end always be there for me. But just because I know the person will be there, it doesn't give me any right to treat them poorly...There are many things I need to work on. I am no where near learning everything there is to know concerning anything...especially in the affairs of relationships of any sort. I trust many, yet very few with who I am. I would consider myself a very open person, what you see is what you get, but there are only a handful of people that I actually am completely and utterly all me with. These are the people that I will address things with, who I cannot lie to or brush off the issue. It may take a while to finally talk about it, but it will always come up one way or the other....it scares me to think that there are people that I am that honest with all the time, and I'm sorry if you're one of them because we all know that I am quite a difficult person when you dig deep.
With all of this being said, the closer my relationship is becoming with Christ, He is constantly showing me my utter dependence upon Him. How I must be grace sufficient daily. A lesson I've learned in the past but more and more as I continue to grow. I am work in progress. I will try harder to be better but I know that I can't make any promises. I need to get my priorities straight completely, and realize that I will never be able to do anything completely right, but I must work on things orderly.
I know that the source of many of my problems and my personality are due to extenuating circumstances. However, I am control of my actions. I speak for me first, and then for others. While this may seem self-centered, by speaking for myself I am speaking for others, and ultimately Christ in me...Because of who I am I have to do things this way.
I apologize for any thoughts that seem difficult to interpret. There is a lot on my mind right now. I am ready for this new semester, raw and ready to do things and to grow. I have so much learning to do, academically, but mostly with how I am with others. I am a work in progress. I am grace dependent. This thought is scary and yet completely comforting.

If your shoes can talk, you probably shouldn't wear them....

The title itself of this post should speak for itself. However, just in case it doesn't the picture should help. These are a picture of my Chick-Fil-A work shoes. They have been faithful to me for the past two and half years. Over Christmas break, one of them decided to "talk." The first thing that naturally should have come to mind was "get a new pair!" But as a poor college student, I was stingy with my money and decided to tough it out over the break so I wouldn't have any money taken out of my paycheck to go towards shoes. Countless people offered me shoes, but no size fit my feet. I even tried tape, but over course the only tape I could find was hot pink and then there was none left. I was content wearing them (and only tripped a few times), and hey they were breezy. I only had one concern; because Chick-Fil-A is a place where we cook, cleaning takes place often. I was apprehensive about having a "sandalP: on when we cleaned the floors because soggy socks are not my friend. However, I found an easily solution; I perfectly propped my foot in the air whenever I or someone else cleaned or I was doing the dishes. Fool proof. Despite my cautious nature, I still expected my foot to be slightly wet or at least damp because things happen. The ironic thing about these shoes though was something that happened consecutively when I took them off. Each day after work I had one wet sock, but it wasn't the one that was broken!!!!! I have absolutely no idea why this was the case. Ideas??????!!!! Hahahaha. Gotta love the irony. :)
Ps. I'm buying new shoes. Today was indeed the last day I wore them (hopefully). It's been fun, but I gave in.

Divine Appointments..Uncover me....

I think it's so cool how random things are, that they are simply divine appointments. That is my first of many thoughts crossing my mind at the moment. My parents were attending a wedding of a childhood friend of mines today while I was working. They were at a park where the wedding was and my dad saw someone through a window that looked familiar. Well unbeknown-est, my third cousin, whom I don't recollect ever meeting, happened to at the same time be in Charlotte randomly at the same park taking pictures with her roommate and needed to use the restroom and the only place she find was the very same location where the wedding was taking place in the middle of a random park in Charlotte. She lives in Charleston and they happened to be here for the day. So incredibly random, it must have been divine. At the very moment that my dad happened to be standing there they saw each other from the distance and then after a few double takes realized that they were who they thought they were. They wound up coming over to our house and it was the coolest thing. My cousin is a Christian and is related to me and is normal! So weird with my family!! haha. But after speaking with them I realized that these things are just too random to occur. I'm excited to see what God will do through this and through the networking that took place. :)
On another note while all of this was going on I had to pick up my sister while she was working. I was bogged down because of a friend situation that I really didn't know how to handle. I was angry at the situation but not at the friend per say. The people that I really wanted to talk to, I couldn't and that was frustrating because I really wanted to talk with them. I was driving and listening to music and just basically having a conversation with myself and God at the same time. The people whom I wanted to talk with I couldn't, the one I really wanted to talk to, won't and I was left just me and the steering wheel. I really wrestled with it as I was driving, talking, praying...realizing that I had to give it to God and trust Him. I knew I could, but the situation is just so touchy and out of my control, but somewhat in my control. I can't control the actions of others, but I want what's best for them...I was singing the words, "the light of your presence reveals my heart, it's there in that moment I'm set apart..Holy Father Uncover me. You the truth that sets me free. Break my pride til all I see, is all of you uncovering me." I generally saw this song as a song of repentance, but as I sang it, the feelings I felt didn't necessarily go away, I continued to be torn, but I realized that the emotions I was experiencing were completely raw before God. He was uncovering me and showing me that I am not in control, no matter how much I want to be. I had to rely on Him for guidance, to see if I needed to speak with the people I thought I couldn't. Just general guidance. But more or less, it was me being real before my Father. Broken. I still don't know what to do except what I did, give it to God. I talked with a good friend and more things are surfacing. I think only time will tell. But I prayed the other day that I don't want anything but God and He has been showing me even in the simplest ways, that is what is real...I won't always be able to talk with other or go to someone, I need to purely be able to rely on Him.

Don't Worry

If you're reading this, and there are only a few people who I've given the link to, then you don't have to worry. I might mention your name or others here and there, but I won't allow the fact that someone else is reading this to hinder what I write. If I want to talk about you, I will. :) haha. totally just kidding, but seriously. haha. So as of now, JILLIAN AND CAMILLE, just wanted to say I know you're stalking me. To the other two people I gave this link to as of now, Jaclyn and Jo, you guys rock my life....to every other stalker friend in the future, you're the best!!! love you all. and yes this is random ramblings (hence the name of the blog)
HAPPY THURSDAY! (i thought you might find it funny that I was typing Wednesday and had to check the day of the week in the bottom right hand corner of my computer...o wow)

And so it begins....

This being my first post, it should be impressive, eloquent, and profound. I cannot promise any of those things...all I have to offer is what has most recently been on my mind, and that is what I hope to offer in this blog: authenticity.
One of my pet peeves, and I do have many even if I don’t show them, is fake people. I cannot stand it when someone has a big fake smile on their face, or is pretending to be nice or interested in you or something. It is so obvious when people are acting fake, everyone has a “fake radar”, yet fake people exist and persist. I know that as you are reading this there are probably multiple people coming to your mind, as in my case.
However, there are other people who are really good at, let’s say not being fake, but not being real. These are people who are so good at faking it that they can fool others and sometimes even themselves. These people are hypocritical in their actions and lifestyle and are either really good at playing the game, they don’t want to disappoint people around them, or they’ve come to a point where they just go through the motions and grow complacent. There are numerous reasons why people act fake. Some are superficial and there really is nothing below the surface (another one of my pet peeves is stupid people, and I’m not referring to the people who cannot help it….and yes I know that makes me look incredibly arrogant, intellectually elite, and whatever other word the thesaurus would pull up; but let’s be honest, we’ve all met them), others don’t really know what to do anymore, some don’t like you so instead of telling you they fake it, some have had experiences that change their attitude, and others don’t even know why they are faking it and at this point it’s too difficult to be real.
While I can’t stand fake people, I absolutely love authentic, genuine people. These are the people who are purposeful and passionate; being around them makes you want to love people even more deeply. While these people have contagious personalities, there are other people that I would characterize differently that are still genuine and authentic. Some of these people are my close friends, while others I may barely know but their realness with me has made a lasting impact on my life. One key component to authenticity with others is trust. I cannot remember who said it exactly, but he used an analogy depicting trust to bank accounts. He said that people have accounts of trust that build up and spend or use it when they meet people. The more time the person takes in investing in someone else, the more trust he or she gives.
My junior year of high school my English teacher explained how to find the theme of a novel. She drew a chart on the board said that everything in a book that an author uses, whether it be symbols, motifs, characterization, or analogies etc, points to the central message of the book. She stressed that there is only one theme per book. Many people use different words to describe it the theme, there is and can only be one. I thought about this idea for a very long time knowing that it was a very controversial issue in the academic world because most people say that there are multiple themes to one work. However, I concluded that logically there can only be one central point to a circle, by definition, so the same concept rationally coincides to the theme of a work (there are many other analogies to explain this idea if would like to discuss it, but for the sake of the length of this post, I won’t elaborate anymore). I continued exploring this idea in literature and challenged it as well as other people who challenged me on it, but couldn’t think of a superior explanation. I am a realistic person that likes what I learn in school to be personally applicable to my life. So my mind naturally thinks of ways to make an academic seemingly irrelevant concept fit into a life lesson (this is probably another reason I hated Calculus…I could never figure out how finding the derivative of a function would ever be beneficial to me). I thought about this one for a long time and finally came to a conclusion.
Life can be compared to a novel; it has an author, it is complex and has many different aspects analogous to symbols or motifs, which technically can be anything and everything. However, each of these things must have a purpose and point to something because I believe that God is intentional about everything. Thus, I concluded that there is a theme to life. There is and must be one concept that makes everything else makes sense. I knew that it had something to do with God, because roughly speaking, He is the writer, but I couldn’t quite come up with what the idea was…Through a series of events and conversations (the most specific being with Chloe Riss one night after the Rush. We were just looking at the stars realizing our insignificance compared to God's significance and I shared how I thought the theme/theory of life idea with her). I know that the theme of the life has everything to do with God’s love for mankind and the process of Jesus redeeming giving humanity the opportunity to commune with Him forever (John 3:16). However, this is the theme of life from God’s perspective; thus, the theme of life from my perspective must be my personal response to this. There are two things that easily describe the theme of life that vary in diction but are merely the same thing: Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength (Deut 6:5) and For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). Love is the center of these because God is the center of life, He is love, and our interaction with Him must be centered around it. Therefore, everything that I do either honors Christ with my life or dishonors Him. Everything in my life points to God in one way or another. While I change, my God does not. I want to note that I don’t say these words lightly. I know that the Judeo-Christian God is the real and only God. I don’t use Him simply as a cop-out or a “card” to intellectually make sense of anything. He is what makes everything real. C.S. Lewis says it best, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." I now see everything with the theme of life in mind. Everything, even carpet or pencils or blankets (the things I just looked at in my room), points to the theme of life….points to Christ.
In an attempt to come full circle, I want to go back to my first point about fake people. While I’ll never understand why people are fake or even why I act fake sometimes, I know that I without a doubt prefer people who are genuine and authentic. Sometimes though in life it’s difficult to be honest…whether it be with ourselves, others, or even God. There is no reason to be dishonest but we are because we don’t want to hurt or disappoint. Unfortunately, as humans we always do the opposite of what we should do. Whenever we do anything whether it be a job, school, or living the Christian life, the easiest trap to fall into is to get caught up in everything but reaching for the goal. The song by Mathew West “Motions” speaks of this, “I don’t want to spend my whole life asking: What if I had given everything [to Christ]?” This question penetrates to the heart of how I’ve been feeling lately. Because I go to a Christian school I hear from a variety of Christian speakers, friends, musicians, teachers constantly. While these things are good, it’s easy to grow complacent and not be proactive in my walk with Christ. This is the very opposite of what should happen, but many times is the result. I live each day knowing this, and as a result must be able to fight the battles of fakeness in my own life and replace it with authenticity. I know many biblical truths, but should never lose focus on the God of these truths. I can’t look at God’s actions without looking at the character of God in His entirety. I can’t simply read my Bible or listen to Christian music without thinking about and actually communing with the Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. If I do any of these things without honoring God with my everything, without the theme of life in mind, I am being the very thing I hate: fake. It’s easy to be fake in this sense, to fake Christianity is easy especially amongst Christians. Authenticity is increasingly becoming rare. While sometimes it’s difficult to identify when people are faking it, the easiest thing to detect is when someone is being real…it oozes from their very being. They are the epitome of Matthew 5:16; their light shines before men and points them to Christ, resulting in their being praising God as well as everyone else they come in contact with. Christianity is not about stringent rules, it is about real people living a real life for the purpose in which they were intended. This is my goal: to not grow complacent, go through the motions, but make sure that everything I do exemplifies the theme positively. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.